Friday, October 23, 2009

deafening quiet...

Sunday nights are no picnic but from day one, Friday nights are the quietest by far...I need to make some noise!

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

November, cruel November

Who would have ever thought that my favorite month of the year would be turned around and become a month that I almost dread getting here? I sure as hell didn't, but whether I want it this way or not, there's no changing the upcoming days. It actually has begun already, because my house that was ordinarily dressed for Fall shows no indication of what season we're in. Halloween was a favorite night of hers; she loved the children coming to the door and giving them treats and would have already made sure that there were reflectors in the driveway and that all of the outdoor lighting was in working order. Then the following day begins November, yes November, there's her birthday, our wedding anniversary, our annual cruise to celebrate both, Thanksgiving, holiday plans and more. It's been tough every Sunday night, the night that she died, it's been hard on the days we would have been together, "our weekends", and every 15th of every month is a dreadful day but I don't look forward to any day in the month of November. Much like the rest of the world that just "keeps on" without her so does the calendar continue to change...without her.

Maybe I'm setting myself up for all of this but I can tell that my mood has shifted in a negative way and the thoughts of what I have just mentioned are continually running through my mind. A good friend has told me over and over that I need time for healing and I know that to be true because I'm not in the same pain I was just over seven months ago...but...I need more time, that I also know. So, this next month is going to be hell but I know I need to experience this hell to move forward...just wish me some luck......

Saturday, September 12, 2009

...just another day?

Today is one of many days that I will have to face in the future completely alone yet for some reason markers like these make it more difficult to cope. Today is my birthday and for the past 50 years I have had someone to be with on this day; whether it be a parent or a sibling or friend...or a spouse. Someone told me that I needed to go a full year before I can know what it's truly like to experience being alone, let each so called "special" day pass and then really know what it is like. Supposedly at the end of that year when all of these days have passed I will then know that I can continue alone; without.

I think that I have already realized that my life will continue to go on but it hasn't made it any easier since that realization. In three days it will be six months that I've been alone, not completely of course, but without a huge part of myself and whoever said that time heals should never have even hinted at a time line. There are times when I feel great and there are times when I feel that Mary has just left. Times when I feel as though I'm now a completely different and new person and times when I wish I had the old me back, along with all that came with it.

But I know wishing for what once was is a waste of time because those days are gone forever and new days have to take their place. Yet I stare at reminders every day and still don't feel the want, although I know there's a need, to put it all away, put it behind me. I feel as if I'm living in a shrine that I've allowed this house to become; nothing out of place, each little bit of Mary exactly where she left it, still consumed with keeping things the way she would have liked. I've attempted to break out, to try to become "me" instead of "we" and I have to admit I'm getting closer and it is getting easier for the most part.

So, today I'm going to simply be thankful that I have made it another year and hope that I have many years ahead when I can be happy and eventually content once again. I don't know when that will be but I am certainly looking forward to that day with gusto...."happy birthday to me"...

Sunday, June 21, 2009

The "F" word

Fear of the unknown scares the shit out of me sometimes...yet isn't everything unknown until we experience it? So, I have to imagine that the fear isn't really caused by the unknown, the true fear is wondering how I'll handle it once I find it...that's what I have to get rid of...get over.

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Clan of the Cave Yuppie

For some reason I was thinking of this today and felt a need to put it in writing; I think it may have been prompted by a friends post. It probably sounds like something none of us would consider doing, including myself but what if, either a man or woman, never used deodorant again, never shaved our faces or for the women, their legs, armpits, waxed their eyebrows, possibly their lips. Daily showers were not an option, on occasion, when the weather permitted, you cleansed your body in a river or a mud hole. Clothing was never washed, just worn until it was shredded and then merely replaced with some facsimile of cloth. We never cut our hair, let alone comb it, style it or dye it; personal hygiene was just an occasional bother when we could no longer stand ourselves. We never cut our finger or our toenails; just depended on daily wear to manage their length, if we even cared. All of this is gross, I know. But think about it, the humans/men/women of thousands of years ago, some longer than that, probably had the exact habits I mentioned above. And why is that? They didn't know any better; simple as that. They hadn't been taught.

Other than the fact that our brains may be, and I stress may be, more well equipped to learn, we're really no different than the common Neanderthal and if we followed their ways we would resemble them very closely. We could easily have that shaggy look if we wanted to; if we tried. Their ways of communication seem even harder to me than our own. Now I don't know this from personal experience I'm just surmising; after all, we're all civilized right? What I'm basically getting at is that everything that we do, everything that we eat, how we prepare it, everything that we strive to be is learned. So the real difference is that we are more learned...period.

Now, the real gist of this post is about emotions. We know when to laugh, we sometimes can't help but cry, we all know what love is whether we've experienced it or not, we crave it, pleasure is pleasure and pain is pain; it's as simple as that. No one has to teach a newborn to cry when it's hungry, no one has to teach an infant to giggle and flail its arms and legs when its happy, an infant instinctively knows how to suckle a nipple and is obviously pleasured and happy when nestled in its mothers arms. When discussing emotions we once again are no different that the cave man.

Basic emotions are in us no matter what we have learned; we're born knowing what they mean as did the Neanderthal. Now going a little further, our learned society has tried in all situations to manage everything, improve on nature, make everything their own; do it their way. This is mostly good because let's face it, for the most part we enjoy our lives and what they are filled with because we're the ones doing the filling. We're the hunter/gatherers of our possessions, of our material lives however what we should never attempt to control or change is how we show and feel our emotions. Just because someone tells us how we should feel, you know, teaches us, offers us therapy about something emotionally does not mean that their way is correct or even desirable. No attempt should be made to sway or control these inherent feelings; besides it being a waste of time, it's not helpful at all.

So, to make a long story even longer, I guess what I'm trying to say is that by all means accept comfort from others, relish in the solace that kind words bring to you but never forget that you yourself, I myself, know why I feel what I feel and we ourselves are the only people who can heal us whether we realize it or not. And that I was not taught; I had to realize that all on my own -

Saturday, June 6, 2009

I need the OK

It's more than mere clothes. There are books, lighters, unused gifts, birthday, Christmas, valentines day and just because cards in every nook, pay stubs, library cards, books that need returning, books that are hers, change galore, singles, fives, tens, pads bearing her name, earring backs, notes she wrote, wrappers, pens, eyeglass cases, eyeglasses, more notes, disposable razors, creams and lotions, bottles of perfume, trouser socks, things she kept to remember, wallets, purses, cigarettes, ticket stubs, pins, stray earrings, pay stubs and envelopes, directions, phone numbers, disposable cameras; used and new, film canisters, pills, plastic bags full of letters, small radios, many, many all seems so overwhelming. Every scrap of paper, every item I put my hands on reminds me of her. The things that I knew she had simply to have are pretty easy to trash but the things that I know meant something to her, were hers, are all still there.

All I did today was clean out 2 drawers, not clothing drawers, drawers that were basically catchalls and I can't believe not only how much they held but what an assortment of things there were inside. I didn't clean out anything really, I just sifted through the contents because it became painfully evident to me that I am not ready to part with her things. Some of it I can use myself but there are certain items that I know I will never be able to use; items that not only can I not use but things that others wouldn't even want yet those are the things that I can't seem to place in the trash. I know I need to put all of this either away or dump it but I don't think the time is right. In other words I need more time to hold onto it.

After this I'm going to continue on with another drawer and see where that takes me. There's no question, I need the room and it would be much easier to have a place for my clothes rather than cram them all into one place out of fear of removing her things. I know she won't be back looking for any of it, whether to wear or use but for some reason I feel like I should leave it all where it is; I guess that's stupid. So, now I'm on to my next adventure, the triple dresser. Let's see how far I can get with clothes.

Friday, June 5, 2009

Jo Dee Messina-You Were Just Here,Heaven Was Needing A Hero

I know this is a tribute to a soldier but I feel it all, she really was my hero - why do I keep doing this to myself?

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

The Dance

Good movie, better song, these are the things out of our control which are often better that way......

Sunday, May 31, 2009

How come?

Today marks 11 weeks; 77 days. That time frame would usually go so slow when waiting for something planned to happen although when counting the minutes from a loss the slowness is excruciating. Even though my minds eye can picture that night as if it happened yesterday, and at times it feels as if we were still together a few hours ago, it also feels as if I have just begun a prison sentence and I've been given life. The one big difference is that rather than have cell mates I feel as though I've been placed in solitary confinement; alone, basically left to rot. Sure, I sustain my body with food and drink but aside from merely existing that's all there is. I guess I never would have been prepared for this but it seems as if a lousy trick has been played on me when I was least expecting it. We did everything else together, why did this have to be different? Why did I have to stay behind?

Monday, May 25, 2009

Up and Down, All Around

Crackled pink granite now bears her name
eternally her remains rest beneath it
In my heart I thought that this would help me
not stoke the flames underneath it
Although the crashing pain seems less and less
as days pass I think that it eases
When least expected some odd thought arises
and my entire body just seizes
What did I do to earn such a place
in life where nothing feels right
I thought I was giving the most that I could
but now I'm left with pure blight
I'd give all I am to turn back the hands
of the clock that now ticks so slow
To a time when things were just as they were
when this part of life I did not know
I know it can't be, I must move ahead
and continue and lead a new life
Yet if feels so wrong to change who I am
it was meant that she be my wife
Every part of my soul I want her to have
though I know on earth it's for naught
She can no longer laugh and no longer smile
our love together only a thought
Maybe some day the obsession will pass
and I'll crave to go on just for me
But till that miraculous day should arrive
I want her back in my life, my Mary

Friday, May 22, 2009

Smooth sailing

Well, I had mentioned that I had come to this part of the country mainly to accomplish a few things that needed to be done and so far I have completed all of what I needed to do. Yesterday, with the help of my nephew, I was able to complete everything at the cemetery; stone is complete, urn is buried, shrubbery is trimmed - all went well. It was by no means fun doing any of it but I think I now feel that I have done all that I possibly can at this time and that in and of itself makes me feel good.

Tomorrow I will see Marys family for the first time since her funeral and although I am looking forward to the meeting I have mixed feelings which are probably unwarranted; they have been nothing but nice to me and of course I've known them all as long as I know Mary. There is going to be a memorial service tomorrow in which Mary will be honored and that was the other main reason I came this week. All of the other things I did in between were merely distractions to help me get through while I was waiting for both of these things to happen.

There is more family arriving this evening and I really look forward to seeing them. All in all this has been a rather productive and nice week and I'm so glad to have all of these family members to support me. Unfortunately, I am planning to start my return home on Sunday afternoon and I'm not really looking forward to the long drive, nor for what I have in store for me when I get there; nothing. I guess I can start hoping for the next time I return. It's good to feel wanted and loved once again; feelings that I thought were gone for good.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

My kind of menopause

If the current situation wasn't what it is and of course I was a woman I would honestly think that I was going through menopause. Depression, mood swings, anxiety, fear and spontaneous tears have all become a part of my daily life and at times I find any or all of them quite crippling. I know what I'm supposed to be going through, forget the stupid stages, I know this is grief but I had no clue how powerful it could be; I never knew that this could consume your life. Trying to get a handle on it or controlling it is most times useless; letting it run it's course seems like the only real way that it subsides for awhile yet it still leaves me feeling weak or weakened.

On a lighter note, the main reason I came this particular week was to have Mary's memorial marker completed ( which I will accomplish with the help of my nephew and or brother ) and I found out yesterday that one of the possible glitches was no longer a problem. As what seems to be usual however, one problem is eradicated and another pops up however I think I can skirt the latest. The only thing I now have to be concerned with is the weather since that will play a pivotal role in the completion; I just hope the rain stays away long enough for me to do what I have to.

It was almost eerie yesterday when the room that I was given here at the hotel turned out to be the exact room that we last stayed in together. It probably has something to do with the fact that I smoke ( we smoked ) and in today's society there are designated smoking areas no matter where you go. This happens to be one of this hotel's smoking floors but to get the exact room that we last stayed in seems much more than a coincidence although I know that's what it is. Eerie at first but very difficult as the time progressed. I'm sure that being in this room has brought on the current emotional state I'm in.

I know I could have moved rooms, I know it, but although it made me feel some pain I wanted to stay here once I was inside. It almost made me feel as if Mary were physically here with me. We liked their decor, we had even discussed emulating some aspects of it into our home but we never did and I know I surely won't now; this is just one of the many places that I can call ours and return to if need be.

So, in closing, I've learned another valuable lesson this week. It doesn't matter where I go, who I'm with or why I'm there, as long as I have the memories that I already possess, Mary and I will be together forever. Sure, I've heard almost the exact phrase hundreds of times before but until my own, this mornings, revelation of this I didn't think it was possible; I now know it is. Thank You Caesar's.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

trip within a trip

Well, this morning I'm off to Atlantic City for a couple of days of casino life. I'm hoping to have a good time and leave a good majority of my fears behind me; not a good majority of my money. This locale was always one of our favorite haunts and once again I am feeling a little tension about this endeavor. I just have to keep remembering that "baby steps" will eventually allow me to stride right along with the rest of the population. I'm hoping that as long as I keep this attitude it will eventually become a reality not just a dream.

Monday, May 18, 2009

scared for nothing

Today is day 5 and there have been nothing but good things happening to me since day # 1. It was a little strange, to say the least, the first night that I stayed in a hotel alone. Everything in that small room reminded me of Mary or made me think of what the two of us would have been doing at that instant however, I was able to function like a "normal" human being and got through that with ease.

Since that time I have been fortunate enough to have a small cluster of family members at my side. I have eaten as well as done all kinds of things in these short few days; things that I would have never done alone. So far, this is definitely what I am lacking and needing; true companionship, love.

I can't believe that this is almost half over and in the same amount of short days I will be back at home alone again. But these days have been a start for me. Actually making good memories that I can classify as my own; something to look back on and know that these are my memories and will never be lost to me.

One of the major reasons for my coming this week has yet to come to fruition but I am still confident that before I begin my journey home it will be completed; at least that is my greatest hope right now. Well, I just wanted to update this, sort of like a memoir of this week, something to look back on and read when the clouds are in my head and the gloom reappears since I feel that is an inevitability.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

...a little SCARED

Tomorrow is the first time I venture out of my comfort zone alone. I'm not at all excited about the prospect of travelling alone since I never really did so for anything but business or an overnight. I can't say I'm really scared but I do have some trepidation about this upcoming week...this is the week we were supposed to be cruising Alaska, which I cancelled but I still am taking the time and travelling on a much, much smaller scale...I probably wouldn't be going but I have some things that need to be taken care of and now is as good a time as any I guess; I shall see. Wish me luck.

Sunday, May 10, 2009


Truly a dream........

Weekly Upheaval

I should be grateful that I had her to myself for that entire weekend
and I am

Not a day goes by when I don't have her on my mind constantly
sometimes I smile

But as every weekend approaches I feel a growing dread inside of me
that I cannot quell

It begins each Friday afternoon as I stupidly rush home from work
to be with her

Then in an instant I realize that it's useless, there is no longer anyone left
to share my love

Saturday slowly passes by as I try to busy myself but she's not there
depression continues

I sit, I cry, I eat, I cry, I think, I smoke, I cry and cry some more
draining my emotions

When Sunday falls, her last day here, I no longer feel I can make do
without her

Dwelling does no good, it only results in pity and pain for me yet
I can't stop

I count the days, every day, but weekends mark a torturous time
I have to stop

All of her things remain just as she left them as if in preparation
for her return

I look forward to once again falling asleep knowing that when I awaken
it may be Monday, my new time of rest

Friday, May 8, 2009

this can apply

This came to mind after the last post, this is Eva Cassidy's rendition

Over the rainbow

Well, the verdict is verdict at least. At the moment, there is no doubt in my simple mind that there is in fact something beyond what we all know as life here on earth.

Wednesday evening I was fortunate enough to actually get a reading from a psychic who does a monthly web cast. It's basically a conference call in which people can call in to a conference and be put in line for a reading if that is what they wish; It turned out that I was number three and did in fact request the reading.

What ensued was at the very least amazing. I gave the psychic very vague and boring information at her request and she began to talk to me based on our mundane conversation which in no way could have given her the information that she passed on to me, which by the way I could mostly validate. There were of course some aspects of the reading that were confusing however the great majority of it felt right on.

I've stated before that I was once a skeptic and may have even gone into the reading a little unsure of what to expect. Although in reality, I should have been unsure of what to expect since it wasn't me doing the direct communicating, I believe I was a bit unsure of whether or not this could actually be true. At the end of our almost 45 minute conversation I was completely convinced that what I had just experienced was not only real but was in fact what I had been searching for almost my entire life.

I was born into and raised by a christian family and always tried my hardest to lead a christian life however like many people always craved some sort of proof. That is what I had always been craving; something beyond blind faith when it came to leaving this world. I already knew how to lead my life here on earth; how to be a good person and for the most part felt that was enough yet always wondered what if anything followed our death. That was what I was searching for. Bottom line is, yes I've been taught of heaven and hell and yes I've been taught about god and the devil and all that goes in between all of this but my faith in these respects was lacking.

I'm still a little unclear about what heaven and hell actually are, other than the actual definitions, but as I said earlier, I now truly believe that when our eyes close for the last time here on earth it is in fact an ending of sorts here BUT it is also the start of a new beginning. Exactly where or how this happens I probably will never find out until it's my time to make the trip (and I'm okay with that) but I feel as though I have been stirred. Stirred to the point where I feel I now can begin to formulate expanded beliefs; stirred to excitement at what I feel I have learned.

Yes, I know I will continue to grieve, and yes I know I will probably have moments of doubt in the future but this knowledge I feel I have garnered has actually given me a new found sense of peace, as if my eyes have been suddenly opened to something I had always hoped for. I also know that this is not necessarily proof, but right now this is the proof I need and want and the proof that will get me through each day a lot easier. I advise anyone that is slightly curious or is in need of some relief for whatever reason to pursue this route and see if there may be some assistance out there just waiting to be tapped because let's be completely honest, life is about feeling good, misery shouldn't have a place in our lives at all. If something as simple as this can possibly make us stop and rethink a position we have thereby possibly making us feel better about something, don't we at least owe it to ourselves to give it a try??? I know I did and I do!

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

3, 2, 1 - CONTACT!

Over the course of my life I have had many encounters with death; both on a personal as well as impersonal level and was sure that once we died our energy was simply transferred into something else and continued on as a new entity. I had always heard of "crossing over" and "heaven" and "afterlife" but to me just leaving this earth and all of it's horrors behind was the explanation for those words. Reincarnation to me was what happened to our energy; our physical bodies, our fuel so to speak, was what nourished and helped grow new things through the method of decomposition. Spirits, souls, merely remained with us in our memories and helped us to accept the separation of a loved one. All of these thoughts and feelings were what I considered rational ideas and could really be very simply explained; that is until recently.

As you know, on May 15th of this year, I experienced a loss unlike any other that I had ever encountered; I lost my wife, my only love to death in an instant. It has been a very hard struggle without her physical being by my side and for about 3 weeks afterwards I continued hoping she would return; in fact deep down I still crave that same thing although I also know deep down that she will never be back here on earth as she was. She was loved by many people and her loss was just as much a painful shock to them as it was to me; that too I now realize but that is not where this post is headed.

When she first passed, I thought my life was over, I actually had nothing to live for any longer and felt that there was no reason for me to stay on this earth either; I wanted to follow her and still do but not at my own doing. It's amazing how ones thoughts so very quickly change when we are desperate for something. My desperation is to contact her if at all possible therefore the thoughts I once had about the dead just sort of disappearing have somewhat changed. Maybe it's because I now hope beyond belief that what I had originally believed was not the truth, maybe it's because I don't know any other way to handle this situation but what I do know is that I want to believe that she is still around somehow.

It's not even two months since shes been gone but I know that I will be alright. My life of course will never be the same as it once was nor will I ever forget her or allow her to vanish from my heart or memory but still in all I will be alright, I can survive. There are days that are much worse than others but I have found that I alone put myself in those dark moods and am learning how to keep away from them. This may sound harsh but prior to March 15th I always felt that Psychics were a sham, of course some of them actually believed that they were seeing or hearing the past or connecting with the dead but I didn't put much personal credence in them even though they could be fascinating. Since that date however, I have been in contact with two different persons who have Psychic abilities and both have given me feedback that not only made me feel better but have actually made me believe that it is in fact possible to make some sort of contact with the dead; how it's possible I still cannot understand. Perhaps these meetings have shaken my beliefs simply because I am vulnerable and now truly want to believe as opposed to the past; don't know, but if nothing else thay have made me feel better.

Tonight I am going to try to again make a connection through a third Psychic and I am really looking forward to the possibility of something happening. None of this has cost me a red cent; these are people who are truly giving of their talents and should be highly commended and thanked. Call me crazy, or call me a lunatic but I had no idea that I would ever be following this path either. Well, all I can say is wish me luck this evening and I will write about what happened after I've had a chance to digest more of this. I know that Mary believed in this and if anyone can contact me I think it would be her.

Monday, April 20, 2009

Fucking "if"

On March 15th of this year, I had no clue whatsoever that a huge part of me, all of me, was going to be simply stated, stolen. My wife, Mary, whom I had met when I was 16 years old passed away that evening, hopefully painlessly. At 8:47 PM I got off of the couch in the living room and went into our bedroom to remind her that she needed to take her medication. She was not ill, the medication she was taking was for high blood pressure and for high cholesterol (there aren't too many people I know who don't take one or the other or some combination of both). I first called her since she appeared to be sleeping; no response. As I turned and faced her I reached out and placed my hand on her cheek and at that split second knew that she was gone. She wasn't cold but she felt cool to me and was completely unresponsive. I immediately called 911 and begged for help and tried to explain what I was afraid of. With their assistance I attempted to administer CPR and it was at that point that I knew it was useless; not only was she cool but her jaw was already clenched and I knew, I just knew.

I basically sat on the floor where I had laid her and could not stop shaking and crying, rocking her head and rubbing her hand. Minutes later, someone arrived at the door and I let in a man who went to her and attempted to take her vitals. After about five minutes he came to me and told me she was gone. I begged him to do something to get her back but he again told me how sorry he was but " she's gone sir". That was the exact moment when my life began to crumble and I felt completely limp. Later a full ambulance crew arrived and they did what they had to do, they took my Mary away from me, leaving me alone in this world.

The following 2 weeks are a blur, literally. I went through all of the necessary motions to have her prepared for a service here locally and then had her flown to her home where I did everything all over for her family and friends there. Mary was eventually cremated and part of her was placed in a plot with her family, part placed in a plot with my family and the remainder I took home to be with me. I intend to share her with her mother, and two best friends on either end of the coast. This is very hard for me to do but I know that all three of these women need a bit of her to help them through this; I still have plenty for myself for my own reasons.

I'm hoping that this writing will help me to accept what has happened and allow me to continue with my existence. We were all each other had in this world, we were married for 28 years and were never apart for more than a week at the most. There wasn't much that we didn't do as a pair; I miss her terribly but know in my heart that this is irreversible and will have to go on without her if that is my choice. I've had some crazy thoughts, especially in the first week I was home alone but for now they have passed and I hope that I will be alright in time; each day seems to get slightly better until I fall on my face again and every second of it just comes flooding back.

The title of this post is the biggest problem I am having right now; if only I had. If only I hadn't. If only I knew. I truly feel that I may have been able to do something to prevent her death if I had been with her when it first happened and this is what keeps going through my mind. Blaming myself. The Medical Examiner deemed it a heart attack that took her life and now that I look back the signs were there for a while. Why the fuck didn't I see them, acknowledge them and act on them? I love Mary more than anyone or anything in the world and I feel I let her slip away. People say it wasn't my fault, when it's your time to go it's your time and nothing can prevent it; I only wish I had taken the opportunity to try to avert it.

I thought I had learned not to take anything for granted with the death of my mother but it seems I fucked up again and now deserve the misery that I am going through. It should not have been at her expense though, that is what is not fair. We had so many plans for our future, we couldn't wait to quit working and spend every minute together, she worked her whole life. For what? To end it like this? All I can say is that you should never hesitate to do anything that you can do right this minute because it could all be over in the blink of an eye. I was supposed to know this right? Well, I was a fucking fool.

If you are the praying sort, please say a prayer for Mary and if you're not, please remember that I look for her each day and look forward to the time when we can again be together, so hope for that for me.

Friday, April 10, 2009


My eyes first met hers that New Years Eve
That night when life would never end
There was a spark but too weak to ignite
That night when life would never end

Twenty one months passed before we again met
That night when life would never end
This time the flame had a chance to catch
That night when life would never end

Days, weeks, months turned into years
Loves roots had taken and continued to grow
We knew that we were meant to be one
Loves roots had taken and continued to grow

Our pact was strong til death us do part
Loves roots had taken and continued to grow
Yet parting was never built into the plan
Loves roots had taken and continued to grow

We loved, we fought, we laughed we cried
Ups and downs just made our bond tighter
Together through it all, always side by side
Ups and downs just made our bond tighter

They said that we would never last yet
Ups and downs just made our bond tighter
But we'd show them what love really was
Ups and downs just made our bond tighter

For years we'd planned of the days ahead
forgetting that it could be gone in a flash
So much still undone but with lots of time yet
forgetting that it could be gone in a flash

I knew it was all scheduled just right
forgetting that it could be gone in a flash
Never imagining she'd be stolen from me
forgetting that it could be gone in a flash

If she had a choice I know she'd have stayed
Life was too good, she was not ready
There was so much love left for so many hearts
Life was too good, she was not ready

Weddings and childbirths, times of great joy
Life was too good, she was not ready
A wife, a daughter an aunt and true friend
Life was too good, she was not ready

Days and nights are now empty, simply a torture
Life was too good, I want her back at my side
I still can't believe that I could not wake her
Life was too good, I want her back at my side

I do not feel solace in where she might be
Life was too good, I want her back at my side
I tried to protect her but miserably failed
Life was too good, I want her back at my side

My Mary was my only reason in life
Now ripped from me, only memories remain
I wish I could follow wherever she went
Now ripped from me, only memories remain

I wasn't meant to do this without her
Now ripped from me only memories remain
Thank god for the comfort of others around me
Now ripped from me only memories remain

I know she would not want me to hurt
I love you my dear and need you to be here
Not want me to curl up and die from within
I love you my dear and need you to be here

I can only hope that time will create a scab
I love you my dear and need you to be here
And something prevents me from picking it off
I love you my dear and need you to be here

That night when life would never end
Loves roots had taken and continued to grow
Ups and downs just made our bond tighter
Forgetting that it could be gone in a flash

Life was too good, she was not ready
Life was too good I want her back at my side
Now ripped from me only memories remain
I love you my dear and need you to be here