Thursday, February 11, 2010
If you've been around awhile then you've probably read most of my posts and know the position I was placed in early last year. It's so hard to believe that in a few short weeks it will be one full year since we parted; time marches on no matter what is occuring in our lives at the moment and we simply have to stride right beside of it if we want to keep on.
I've had what I would consider some pretty major ups and downs in the past year and would at times find tears streaming down my face for no apparent reason yet inside of me "I" knew where they came from; what was the cause. Of late however, for some reason which I can't really place my finger on, things have gotten much better. I wish I knew why I suddenly don't hurt as much but the main thing is that I don't. Of course I still miss Mary and I know there will always be a place in my heart where she resides yet I no longer feel saddened when I think of her; not at the moment anyway.
Very shortly I think I am going to have to make some large decisions as to what I want to try to do with the rest of my life, then once I determine what it is that I truly want I will have to act on it to get it in the works. People have told me that I need to move out of this house, put all of this behind me, all of the miniscule reminders, and begin something that is entirely my own. I think that's pretty sound advice however if I were going to do something like that I would first have to know where it was that I wanted to go. So selling my house just for the sake of selling it is not the answer just now no matter how much sense it makes.
I have come to the conclusion that not only do I have family that cares about me I also have a few friends who are true friends. Internet pals are great and I love them all but nothing takes the place of a friend in physical form. Because I was so caught up with the "woe is me" attitude, I almost failed to recognize that there were people who cared for me and I'm truly thankful I opened my heart and let them in, grateful that I opened my eyes. Perhaps it's this realization that has made me feel that I feel better, has made me see that I'm not alone in this world; if so I'm thankful for that as well.
So, all in all I think I'm going to live, hell, I know I'm going to live! There's too much left in me to think any other way. Listen...I also want to take this opportunity to thank everyone who has helped me get to this point; I know I didn't do it alone and each of you know exactly who I'm talking about. For the past year I've been moaning about being alone, like I called it earlier, I was stuck on the "woe is me" attitude when in fact there have been people by my side the entire time - I just needed to recognize that they were there. Thanks guys...