Over the course of my life I have had many encounters with death; both on a personal as well as impersonal level and was sure that once we died our energy was simply transferred into something else and continued on as a new entity. I had always heard of "crossing over" and "heaven" and "afterlife" but to me just leaving this earth and all of it's horrors behind was the explanation for those words. Reincarnation to me was what happened to our energy; our physical bodies, our fuel so to speak, was what nourished and helped grow new things through the method of decomposition. Spirits, souls, merely remained with us in our memories and helped us to accept the separation of a loved one. All of these thoughts and feelings were what I considered rational ideas and could really be very simply explained; that is until recently.
As you know, on May 15th of this year, I experienced a loss unlike any other that I had ever encountered; I lost my wife, my only love to death in an instant. It has been a very hard struggle without her physical being by my side and for about 3 weeks afterwards I continued hoping she would return; in fact deep down I still crave that same thing although I also know deep down that she will never be back here on earth as she was. She was loved by many people and her loss was just as much a painful shock to them as it was to me; that too I now realize but that is not where this post is headed.
When she first passed, I thought my life was over, I actually had nothing to live for any longer and felt that there was no reason for me to stay on this earth either; I wanted to follow her and still do but not at my own doing. It's amazing how ones thoughts so very quickly change when we are desperate for something. My desperation is to contact her if at all possible therefore the thoughts I once had about the dead just sort of disappearing have somewhat changed. Maybe it's because I now hope beyond belief that what I had originally believed was not the truth, maybe it's because I don't know any other way to handle this situation but what I do know is that I want to believe that she is still around somehow.
It's not even two months since shes been gone but I know that I will be alright. My life of course will never be the same as it once was nor will I ever forget her or allow her to vanish from my heart or memory but still in all I will be alright, I can survive. There are days that are much worse than others but I have found that I alone put myself in those dark moods and am learning how to keep away from them. This may sound harsh but prior to March 15th I always felt that Psychics were a sham, of course some of them actually believed that they were seeing or hearing the past or connecting with the dead but I didn't put much personal credence in them even though they could be fascinating. Since that date however, I have been in contact with two different persons who have Psychic abilities and both have given me feedback that not only made me feel better but have actually made me believe that it is in fact possible to make some sort of contact with the dead; how it's possible I still cannot understand. Perhaps these meetings have shaken my beliefs simply because I am vulnerable and now truly want to believe as opposed to the past; don't know, but if nothing else thay have made me feel better.
Tonight I am going to try to again make a connection through a third Psychic and I am really looking forward to the possibility of something happening. None of this has cost me a red cent; these are people who are truly giving of their talents and should be highly commended and thanked. Call me crazy, or call me a lunatic but I had no idea that I would ever be following this path either. Well, all I can say is wish me luck this evening and I will write about what happened after I've had a chance to digest more of this. I know that Mary believed in this and if anyone can contact me I think it would be her.