Wednesday, May 20, 2009

My kind of menopause

If the current situation wasn't what it is and of course I was a woman I would honestly think that I was going through menopause. Depression, mood swings, anxiety, fear and spontaneous tears have all become a part of my daily life and at times I find any or all of them quite crippling. I know what I'm supposed to be going through, forget the stupid stages, I know this is grief but I had no clue how powerful it could be; I never knew that this could consume your life. Trying to get a handle on it or controlling it is most times useless; letting it run it's course seems like the only real way that it subsides for awhile yet it still leaves me feeling weak or weakened.

On a lighter note, the main reason I came this particular week was to have Mary's memorial marker completed ( which I will accomplish with the help of my nephew and or brother ) and I found out yesterday that one of the possible glitches was no longer a problem. As what seems to be usual however, one problem is eradicated and another pops up however I think I can skirt the latest. The only thing I now have to be concerned with is the weather since that will play a pivotal role in the completion; I just hope the rain stays away long enough for me to do what I have to.

It was almost eerie yesterday when the room that I was given here at the hotel turned out to be the exact room that we last stayed in together. It probably has something to do with the fact that I smoke ( we smoked ) and in today's society there are designated smoking areas no matter where you go. This happens to be one of this hotel's smoking floors but to get the exact room that we last stayed in seems much more than a coincidence although I know that's what it is. Eerie at first but very difficult as the time progressed. I'm sure that being in this room has brought on the current emotional state I'm in.

I know I could have moved rooms, I know it, but although it made me feel some pain I wanted to stay here once I was inside. It almost made me feel as if Mary were physically here with me. We liked their decor, we had even discussed emulating some aspects of it into our home but we never did and I know I surely won't now; this is just one of the many places that I can call ours and return to if need be.

So, in closing, I've learned another valuable lesson this week. It doesn't matter where I go, who I'm with or why I'm there, as long as I have the memories that I already possess, Mary and I will be together forever. Sure, I've heard almost the exact phrase hundreds of times before but until my own, this mornings, revelation of this I didn't think it was possible; I now know it is. Thank You Caesar's.


paisley said...

your strength and foresight is amazing.. the coincidence of you being in the same room may not be all that coincidental,, look at all you have taken away from this experience already.....

deathsweep said...

You're right, I have learned a great deal...although not grateful for how the knowledge was gotten, still grateful that I know it.