Sunday, June 21, 2009

The "F" word

Fear of the unknown scares the shit out of me sometimes...yet isn't everything unknown until we experience it? So, I have to imagine that the fear isn't really caused by the unknown, the true fear is wondering how I'll handle it once I find it...that's what I have to get rid of...get over.

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Clan of the Cave Yuppie

For some reason I was thinking of this today and felt a need to put it in writing; I think it may have been prompted by a friends post. It probably sounds like something none of us would consider doing, including myself but what if, either a man or woman, never used deodorant again, never shaved our faces or for the women, their legs, armpits, waxed their eyebrows, possibly their lips. Daily showers were not an option, on occasion, when the weather permitted, you cleansed your body in a river or a mud hole. Clothing was never washed, just worn until it was shredded and then merely replaced with some facsimile of cloth. We never cut our hair, let alone comb it, style it or dye it; personal hygiene was just an occasional bother when we could no longer stand ourselves. We never cut our finger or our toenails; just depended on daily wear to manage their length, if we even cared. All of this is gross, I know. But think about it, the humans/men/women of thousands of years ago, some longer than that, probably had the exact habits I mentioned above. And why is that? They didn't know any better; simple as that. They hadn't been taught.

Other than the fact that our brains may be, and I stress may be, more well equipped to learn, we're really no different than the common Neanderthal and if we followed their ways we would resemble them very closely. We could easily have that shaggy look if we wanted to; if we tried. Their ways of communication seem even harder to me than our own. Now I don't know this from personal experience I'm just surmising; after all, we're all civilized right? What I'm basically getting at is that everything that we do, everything that we eat, how we prepare it, everything that we strive to be is learned. So the real difference is that we are more learned...period.

Now, the real gist of this post is about emotions. We know when to laugh, we sometimes can't help but cry, we all know what love is whether we've experienced it or not, we crave it, pleasure is pleasure and pain is pain; it's as simple as that. No one has to teach a newborn to cry when it's hungry, no one has to teach an infant to giggle and flail its arms and legs when its happy, an infant instinctively knows how to suckle a nipple and is obviously pleasured and happy when nestled in its mothers arms. When discussing emotions we once again are no different that the cave man.

Basic emotions are in us no matter what we have learned; we're born knowing what they mean as did the Neanderthal. Now going a little further, our learned society has tried in all situations to manage everything, improve on nature, make everything their own; do it their way. This is mostly good because let's face it, for the most part we enjoy our lives and what they are filled with because we're the ones doing the filling. We're the hunter/gatherers of our possessions, of our material lives however what we should never attempt to control or change is how we show and feel our emotions. Just because someone tells us how we should feel, you know, teaches us, offers us therapy about something emotionally does not mean that their way is correct or even desirable. No attempt should be made to sway or control these inherent feelings; besides it being a waste of time, it's not helpful at all.

So, to make a long story even longer, I guess what I'm trying to say is that by all means accept comfort from others, relish in the solace that kind words bring to you but never forget that you yourself, I myself, know why I feel what I feel and we ourselves are the only people who can heal us whether we realize it or not. And that I was not taught; I had to realize that all on my own -

Saturday, June 6, 2009

I need the OK

It's more than mere clothes. There are books, lighters, unused gifts, birthday, Christmas, valentines day and just because cards in every nook, pay stubs, library cards, books that need returning, books that are hers, change galore, singles, fives, tens, pads bearing her name, earring backs, notes she wrote, wrappers, pens, eyeglass cases, eyeglasses, more notes, disposable razors, creams and lotions, bottles of perfume, trouser socks, things she kept to remember, wallets, purses, cigarettes, ticket stubs, pins, stray earrings, pay stubs and envelopes, directions, phone numbers, disposable cameras; used and new, film canisters, pills, plastic bags full of letters, small radios, many, many all seems so overwhelming. Every scrap of paper, every item I put my hands on reminds me of her. The things that I knew she had simply to have are pretty easy to trash but the things that I know meant something to her, were hers, are all still there.

All I did today was clean out 2 drawers, not clothing drawers, drawers that were basically catchalls and I can't believe not only how much they held but what an assortment of things there were inside. I didn't clean out anything really, I just sifted through the contents because it became painfully evident to me that I am not ready to part with her things. Some of it I can use myself but there are certain items that I know I will never be able to use; items that not only can I not use but things that others wouldn't even want yet those are the things that I can't seem to place in the trash. I know I need to put all of this either away or dump it but I don't think the time is right. In other words I need more time to hold onto it.

After this I'm going to continue on with another drawer and see where that takes me. There's no question, I need the room and it would be much easier to have a place for my clothes rather than cram them all into one place out of fear of removing her things. I know she won't be back looking for any of it, whether to wear or use but for some reason I feel like I should leave it all where it is; I guess that's stupid. So, now I'm on to my next adventure, the triple dresser. Let's see how far I can get with clothes.

Friday, June 5, 2009

Jo Dee Messina-You Were Just Here,Heaven Was Needing A Hero

I know this is a tribute to a soldier but I feel it all, she really was my hero - why do I keep doing this to myself?

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

The Dance

Good movie, better song, these are the things out of our control which are often better that way......