Wednesday, October 21, 2009

November, cruel November

Who would have ever thought that my favorite month of the year would be turned around and become a month that I almost dread getting here? I sure as hell didn't, but whether I want it this way or not, there's no changing the upcoming days. It actually has begun already, because my house that was ordinarily dressed for Fall shows no indication of what season we're in. Halloween was a favorite night of hers; she loved the children coming to the door and giving them treats and would have already made sure that there were reflectors in the driveway and that all of the outdoor lighting was in working order. Then the following day begins November, yes November, there's her birthday, our wedding anniversary, our annual cruise to celebrate both, Thanksgiving, holiday plans and more. It's been tough every Sunday night, the night that she died, it's been hard on the days we would have been together, "our weekends", and every 15th of every month is a dreadful day but I don't look forward to any day in the month of November. Much like the rest of the world that just "keeps on" without her so does the calendar continue to change...without her.

Maybe I'm setting myself up for all of this but I can tell that my mood has shifted in a negative way and the thoughts of what I have just mentioned are continually running through my mind. A good friend has told me over and over that I need time for healing and I know that to be true because I'm not in the same pain I was just over seven months ago...but...I need more time, that I also know. So, this next month is going to be hell but I know I need to experience this hell to move forward...just wish me some luck......

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