Monday, April 20, 2009

Fucking "if"

On March 15th of this year, I had no clue whatsoever that a huge part of me, all of me, was going to be simply stated, stolen. My wife, Mary, whom I had met when I was 16 years old passed away that evening, hopefully painlessly. At 8:47 PM I got off of the couch in the living room and went into our bedroom to remind her that she needed to take her medication. She was not ill, the medication she was taking was for high blood pressure and for high cholesterol (there aren't too many people I know who don't take one or the other or some combination of both). I first called her since she appeared to be sleeping; no response. As I turned and faced her I reached out and placed my hand on her cheek and at that split second knew that she was gone. She wasn't cold but she felt cool to me and was completely unresponsive. I immediately called 911 and begged for help and tried to explain what I was afraid of. With their assistance I attempted to administer CPR and it was at that point that I knew it was useless; not only was she cool but her jaw was already clenched and I knew, I just knew.

I basically sat on the floor where I had laid her and could not stop shaking and crying, rocking her head and rubbing her hand. Minutes later, someone arrived at the door and I let in a man who went to her and attempted to take her vitals. After about five minutes he came to me and told me she was gone. I begged him to do something to get her back but he again told me how sorry he was but " she's gone sir". That was the exact moment when my life began to crumble and I felt completely limp. Later a full ambulance crew arrived and they did what they had to do, they took my Mary away from me, leaving me alone in this world.

The following 2 weeks are a blur, literally. I went through all of the necessary motions to have her prepared for a service here locally and then had her flown to her home where I did everything all over for her family and friends there. Mary was eventually cremated and part of her was placed in a plot with her family, part placed in a plot with my family and the remainder I took home to be with me. I intend to share her with her mother, and two best friends on either end of the coast. This is very hard for me to do but I know that all three of these women need a bit of her to help them through this; I still have plenty for myself for my own reasons.

I'm hoping that this writing will help me to accept what has happened and allow me to continue with my existence. We were all each other had in this world, we were married for 28 years and were never apart for more than a week at the most. There wasn't much that we didn't do as a pair; I miss her terribly but know in my heart that this is irreversible and will have to go on without her if that is my choice. I've had some crazy thoughts, especially in the first week I was home alone but for now they have passed and I hope that I will be alright in time; each day seems to get slightly better until I fall on my face again and every second of it just comes flooding back.

The title of this post is the biggest problem I am having right now; if only I had. If only I hadn't. If only I knew. I truly feel that I may have been able to do something to prevent her death if I had been with her when it first happened and this is what keeps going through my mind. Blaming myself. The Medical Examiner deemed it a heart attack that took her life and now that I look back the signs were there for a while. Why the fuck didn't I see them, acknowledge them and act on them? I love Mary more than anyone or anything in the world and I feel I let her slip away. People say it wasn't my fault, when it's your time to go it's your time and nothing can prevent it; I only wish I had taken the opportunity to try to avert it.

I thought I had learned not to take anything for granted with the death of my mother but it seems I fucked up again and now deserve the misery that I am going through. It should not have been at her expense though, that is what is not fair. We had so many plans for our future, we couldn't wait to quit working and spend every minute together, she worked her whole life. For what? To end it like this? All I can say is that you should never hesitate to do anything that you can do right this minute because it could all be over in the blink of an eye. I was supposed to know this right? Well, I was a fucking fool.

If you are the praying sort, please say a prayer for Mary and if you're not, please remember that I look for her each day and look forward to the time when we can again be together, so hope for that for me.

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

Deathsweep, I wish I could call you by name. I want to write so much and havn't the slightest clue as to how to go about it. My husband passed away at four in the morning, December the 3rd, 1993 and with all my heart, I wish I could write some of the things you wrote about your beloved wife. I knew his death was close, I stood by his side, listened to him taking his last breath and did not shed a tear. I was married to a good man, a man who loved me, but who, over far too many years, made his wants, his needs, his desires, his ambitions and his happiness more important to himself than any of mine to me.
Once the pain has ebbed, and it will, while hanging on to the love you had and have for your Mary, allow your heart to remain ajar for whatever love is waiting you in the future. My kindest and sincerest wishes for your future happiness. Mary from Meander With Me

Annie T said...

I am so sad to read this Robert. My heart goes out to you, deeply.

I do hope and pray that time eases this heartache for you and that your memories are vibrant, filled with love, warmth and fondness.

I cannot even begin to understand the pain you must be going through, but I hope that it's manageable in some way.

My warmest love and condolences to you. x Agnes/Annie

Linda and her Twaddle said...

After reading this post I thought about it for the next day. Felt sad for you, sad for your loss. I cannot even imagine what you must be going through.

I hope that time somehow helps your pain ease a little and that the sweet memories that you shared with your Mary will be able to soothe your heart.

paisley said...

the hole in your soul will remain,, and every once in a while something will knock you down and bring it all back every heart wrenching second of the pain and loss and grief,, and you will be tempted at times to step into her world and see if you can find her,, be reunited with her, or at least hold her, tell her you love her nad kiss her one last time.....

nothing and no one can stop that from happening,, and i say when it does indulge yourself in that grief, allow it to wash over you even tho it feels like ice water on a cold day..

mary would have wanted you to miss her.. she would have wanted to know your life will be forever altered by your love for her and her untimely death,, but she loved you too, and in the end,, she would want for you what makes you happy... it is time to look for what makes you happy...

you have been with me long enough to know finding happiness is not a given, it is a painful journey thru self and beyond... but i know you got it in you.. i know you can do this,, and i am here to help in any way i can.....

karen said...

I cannot bear the thought of losing my life partner. This breaks my heart. I am so very sorry, Robert. I know that Mary is at peace and I pray for you that you will find some peace in knowing that as well. I watched my father go through a very similar situation with the loss of my mother four years ago. And although he still cries at times he is able to laugh now, too. We can remember the good times now and feel thankful that we had her for the time that we did. But that took a while. There is no way to prepare for something like this. There is just no way. I pray for you for strength, for courage, for clarity. I pray that you will be surrounded by and lifted up with God's love as it shines in the Universe... the birds' song, the sun rise, wild flowers, a kind word from your neighbor. I do pray for you, Robert. May God bless and guide you in this most difficult time. My deepest, deepest sympathy.