Sunday, May 31, 2009

How come?

Today marks 11 weeks; 77 days. That time frame would usually go so slow when waiting for something planned to happen although when counting the minutes from a loss the slowness is excruciating. Even though my minds eye can picture that night as if it happened yesterday, and at times it feels as if we were still together a few hours ago, it also feels as if I have just begun a prison sentence and I've been given life. The one big difference is that rather than have cell mates I feel as though I've been placed in solitary confinement; alone, basically left to rot. Sure, I sustain my body with food and drink but aside from merely existing that's all there is. I guess I never would have been prepared for this but it seems as if a lousy trick has been played on me when I was least expecting it. We did everything else together, why did this have to be different? Why did I have to stay behind?

Monday, May 25, 2009

Up and Down, All Around

Crackled pink granite now bears her name
eternally her remains rest beneath it
In my heart I thought that this would help me
not stoke the flames underneath it
Although the crashing pain seems less and less
as days pass I think that it eases
When least expected some odd thought arises
and my entire body just seizes
What did I do to earn such a place
in life where nothing feels right
I thought I was giving the most that I could
but now I'm left with pure blight
I'd give all I am to turn back the hands
of the clock that now ticks so slow
To a time when things were just as they were
when this part of life I did not know
I know it can't be, I must move ahead
and continue and lead a new life
Yet if feels so wrong to change who I am
it was meant that she be my wife
Every part of my soul I want her to have
though I know on earth it's for naught
She can no longer laugh and no longer smile
our love together only a thought
Maybe some day the obsession will pass
and I'll crave to go on just for me
But till that miraculous day should arrive
I want her back in my life, my Mary

Friday, May 22, 2009

Smooth sailing

Well, I had mentioned that I had come to this part of the country mainly to accomplish a few things that needed to be done and so far I have completed all of what I needed to do. Yesterday, with the help of my nephew, I was able to complete everything at the cemetery; stone is complete, urn is buried, shrubbery is trimmed - all went well. It was by no means fun doing any of it but I think I now feel that I have done all that I possibly can at this time and that in and of itself makes me feel good.

Tomorrow I will see Marys family for the first time since her funeral and although I am looking forward to the meeting I have mixed feelings which are probably unwarranted; they have been nothing but nice to me and of course I've known them all as long as I know Mary. There is going to be a memorial service tomorrow in which Mary will be honored and that was the other main reason I came this week. All of the other things I did in between were merely distractions to help me get through while I was waiting for both of these things to happen.

There is more family arriving this evening and I really look forward to seeing them. All in all this has been a rather productive and nice week and I'm so glad to have all of these family members to support me. Unfortunately, I am planning to start my return home on Sunday afternoon and I'm not really looking forward to the long drive, nor for what I have in store for me when I get there; nothing. I guess I can start hoping for the next time I return. It's good to feel wanted and loved once again; feelings that I thought were gone for good.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

My kind of menopause

If the current situation wasn't what it is and of course I was a woman I would honestly think that I was going through menopause. Depression, mood swings, anxiety, fear and spontaneous tears have all become a part of my daily life and at times I find any or all of them quite crippling. I know what I'm supposed to be going through, forget the stupid stages, I know this is grief but I had no clue how powerful it could be; I never knew that this could consume your life. Trying to get a handle on it or controlling it is most times useless; letting it run it's course seems like the only real way that it subsides for awhile yet it still leaves me feeling weak or weakened.

On a lighter note, the main reason I came this particular week was to have Mary's memorial marker completed ( which I will accomplish with the help of my nephew and or brother ) and I found out yesterday that one of the possible glitches was no longer a problem. As what seems to be usual however, one problem is eradicated and another pops up however I think I can skirt the latest. The only thing I now have to be concerned with is the weather since that will play a pivotal role in the completion; I just hope the rain stays away long enough for me to do what I have to.

It was almost eerie yesterday when the room that I was given here at the hotel turned out to be the exact room that we last stayed in together. It probably has something to do with the fact that I smoke ( we smoked ) and in today's society there are designated smoking areas no matter where you go. This happens to be one of this hotel's smoking floors but to get the exact room that we last stayed in seems much more than a coincidence although I know that's what it is. Eerie at first but very difficult as the time progressed. I'm sure that being in this room has brought on the current emotional state I'm in.

I know I could have moved rooms, I know it, but although it made me feel some pain I wanted to stay here once I was inside. It almost made me feel as if Mary were physically here with me. We liked their decor, we had even discussed emulating some aspects of it into our home but we never did and I know I surely won't now; this is just one of the many places that I can call ours and return to if need be.

So, in closing, I've learned another valuable lesson this week. It doesn't matter where I go, who I'm with or why I'm there, as long as I have the memories that I already possess, Mary and I will be together forever. Sure, I've heard almost the exact phrase hundreds of times before but until my own, this mornings, revelation of this I didn't think it was possible; I now know it is. Thank You Caesar's.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

trip within a trip

Well, this morning I'm off to Atlantic City for a couple of days of casino life. I'm hoping to have a good time and leave a good majority of my fears behind me; not a good majority of my money. This locale was always one of our favorite haunts and once again I am feeling a little tension about this endeavor. I just have to keep remembering that "baby steps" will eventually allow me to stride right along with the rest of the population. I'm hoping that as long as I keep this attitude it will eventually become a reality not just a dream.

Monday, May 18, 2009

scared for nothing

Today is day 5 and there have been nothing but good things happening to me since day # 1. It was a little strange, to say the least, the first night that I stayed in a hotel alone. Everything in that small room reminded me of Mary or made me think of what the two of us would have been doing at that instant however, I was able to function like a "normal" human being and got through that with ease.

Since that time I have been fortunate enough to have a small cluster of family members at my side. I have eaten as well as done all kinds of things in these short few days; things that I would have never done alone. So far, this is definitely what I am lacking and needing; true companionship, love.

I can't believe that this is almost half over and in the same amount of short days I will be back at home alone again. But these days have been a start for me. Actually making good memories that I can classify as my own; something to look back on and know that these are my memories and will never be lost to me.

One of the major reasons for my coming this week has yet to come to fruition but I am still confident that before I begin my journey home it will be completed; at least that is my greatest hope right now. Well, I just wanted to update this, sort of like a memoir of this week, something to look back on and read when the clouds are in my head and the gloom reappears since I feel that is an inevitability.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

...a little SCARED

Tomorrow is the first time I venture out of my comfort zone alone. I'm not at all excited about the prospect of travelling alone since I never really did so for anything but business or an overnight. I can't say I'm really scared but I do have some trepidation about this upcoming week...this is the week we were supposed to be cruising Alaska, which I cancelled but I still am taking the time and travelling on a much, much smaller scale...I probably wouldn't be going but I have some things that need to be taken care of and now is as good a time as any I guess; I shall see. Wish me luck.

Sunday, May 10, 2009


Truly a dream........

Weekly Upheaval

I should be grateful that I had her to myself for that entire weekend
and I am

Not a day goes by when I don't have her on my mind constantly
sometimes I smile

But as every weekend approaches I feel a growing dread inside of me
that I cannot quell

It begins each Friday afternoon as I stupidly rush home from work
to be with her

Then in an instant I realize that it's useless, there is no longer anyone left
to share my love

Saturday slowly passes by as I try to busy myself but she's not there
depression continues

I sit, I cry, I eat, I cry, I think, I smoke, I cry and cry some more
draining my emotions

When Sunday falls, her last day here, I no longer feel I can make do
without her

Dwelling does no good, it only results in pity and pain for me yet
I can't stop

I count the days, every day, but weekends mark a torturous time
I have to stop

All of her things remain just as she left them as if in preparation
for her return

I look forward to once again falling asleep knowing that when I awaken
it may be Monday, my new time of rest

Friday, May 8, 2009

this can apply

This came to mind after the last post, this is Eva Cassidy's rendition

Over the rainbow

Well, the verdict is verdict at least. At the moment, there is no doubt in my simple mind that there is in fact something beyond what we all know as life here on earth.

Wednesday evening I was fortunate enough to actually get a reading from a psychic who does a monthly web cast. It's basically a conference call in which people can call in to a conference and be put in line for a reading if that is what they wish; It turned out that I was number three and did in fact request the reading.

What ensued was at the very least amazing. I gave the psychic very vague and boring information at her request and she began to talk to me based on our mundane conversation which in no way could have given her the information that she passed on to me, which by the way I could mostly validate. There were of course some aspects of the reading that were confusing however the great majority of it felt right on.

I've stated before that I was once a skeptic and may have even gone into the reading a little unsure of what to expect. Although in reality, I should have been unsure of what to expect since it wasn't me doing the direct communicating, I believe I was a bit unsure of whether or not this could actually be true. At the end of our almost 45 minute conversation I was completely convinced that what I had just experienced was not only real but was in fact what I had been searching for almost my entire life.

I was born into and raised by a christian family and always tried my hardest to lead a christian life however like many people always craved some sort of proof. That is what I had always been craving; something beyond blind faith when it came to leaving this world. I already knew how to lead my life here on earth; how to be a good person and for the most part felt that was enough yet always wondered what if anything followed our death. That was what I was searching for. Bottom line is, yes I've been taught of heaven and hell and yes I've been taught about god and the devil and all that goes in between all of this but my faith in these respects was lacking.

I'm still a little unclear about what heaven and hell actually are, other than the actual definitions, but as I said earlier, I now truly believe that when our eyes close for the last time here on earth it is in fact an ending of sorts here BUT it is also the start of a new beginning. Exactly where or how this happens I probably will never find out until it's my time to make the trip (and I'm okay with that) but I feel as though I have been stirred. Stirred to the point where I feel I now can begin to formulate expanded beliefs; stirred to excitement at what I feel I have learned.

Yes, I know I will continue to grieve, and yes I know I will probably have moments of doubt in the future but this knowledge I feel I have garnered has actually given me a new found sense of peace, as if my eyes have been suddenly opened to something I had always hoped for. I also know that this is not necessarily proof, but right now this is the proof I need and want and the proof that will get me through each day a lot easier. I advise anyone that is slightly curious or is in need of some relief for whatever reason to pursue this route and see if there may be some assistance out there just waiting to be tapped because let's be completely honest, life is about feeling good, misery shouldn't have a place in our lives at all. If something as simple as this can possibly make us stop and rethink a position we have thereby possibly making us feel better about something, don't we at least owe it to ourselves to give it a try??? I know I did and I do!

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

3, 2, 1 - CONTACT!

Over the course of my life I have had many encounters with death; both on a personal as well as impersonal level and was sure that once we died our energy was simply transferred into something else and continued on as a new entity. I had always heard of "crossing over" and "heaven" and "afterlife" but to me just leaving this earth and all of it's horrors behind was the explanation for those words. Reincarnation to me was what happened to our energy; our physical bodies, our fuel so to speak, was what nourished and helped grow new things through the method of decomposition. Spirits, souls, merely remained with us in our memories and helped us to accept the separation of a loved one. All of these thoughts and feelings were what I considered rational ideas and could really be very simply explained; that is until recently.

As you know, on May 15th of this year, I experienced a loss unlike any other that I had ever encountered; I lost my wife, my only love to death in an instant. It has been a very hard struggle without her physical being by my side and for about 3 weeks afterwards I continued hoping she would return; in fact deep down I still crave that same thing although I also know deep down that she will never be back here on earth as she was. She was loved by many people and her loss was just as much a painful shock to them as it was to me; that too I now realize but that is not where this post is headed.

When she first passed, I thought my life was over, I actually had nothing to live for any longer and felt that there was no reason for me to stay on this earth either; I wanted to follow her and still do but not at my own doing. It's amazing how ones thoughts so very quickly change when we are desperate for something. My desperation is to contact her if at all possible therefore the thoughts I once had about the dead just sort of disappearing have somewhat changed. Maybe it's because I now hope beyond belief that what I had originally believed was not the truth, maybe it's because I don't know any other way to handle this situation but what I do know is that I want to believe that she is still around somehow.

It's not even two months since shes been gone but I know that I will be alright. My life of course will never be the same as it once was nor will I ever forget her or allow her to vanish from my heart or memory but still in all I will be alright, I can survive. There are days that are much worse than others but I have found that I alone put myself in those dark moods and am learning how to keep away from them. This may sound harsh but prior to March 15th I always felt that Psychics were a sham, of course some of them actually believed that they were seeing or hearing the past or connecting with the dead but I didn't put much personal credence in them even though they could be fascinating. Since that date however, I have been in contact with two different persons who have Psychic abilities and both have given me feedback that not only made me feel better but have actually made me believe that it is in fact possible to make some sort of contact with the dead; how it's possible I still cannot understand. Perhaps these meetings have shaken my beliefs simply because I am vulnerable and now truly want to believe as opposed to the past; don't know, but if nothing else thay have made me feel better.

Tonight I am going to try to again make a connection through a third Psychic and I am really looking forward to the possibility of something happening. None of this has cost me a red cent; these are people who are truly giving of their talents and should be highly commended and thanked. Call me crazy, or call me a lunatic but I had no idea that I would ever be following this path either. Well, all I can say is wish me luck this evening and I will write about what happened after I've had a chance to digest more of this. I know that Mary believed in this and if anyone can contact me I think it would be her.