Today is one of many days that I will have to face in the future completely alone yet for some reason markers like these make it more difficult to cope. Today is my birthday and for the past 50 years I have had someone to be with on this day; whether it be a parent or a sibling or friend...or a spouse. Someone told me that I needed to go a full year before I can know what it's truly like to experience being alone, let each so called "special" day pass and then really know what it is like. Supposedly at the end of that year when all of these days have passed I will then know that I can continue alone; without.
I think that I have already realized that my life will continue to go on but it hasn't made it any easier since that realization. In three days it will be six months that I've been alone, not completely of course, but without a huge part of myself and whoever said that time heals should never have even hinted at a time line. There are times when I feel great and there are times when I feel that Mary has just left. Times when I feel as though I'm now a completely different and new person and times when I wish I had the old me back, along with all that came with it.
But I know wishing for what once was is a waste of time because those days are gone forever and new days have to take their place. Yet I stare at reminders every day and still don't feel the want, although I know there's a need, to put it all away, put it behind me. I feel as if I'm living in a shrine that I've allowed this house to become; nothing out of place, each little bit of Mary exactly where she left it, still consumed with keeping things the way she would have liked. I've attempted to break out, to try to become "me" instead of "we" and I have to admit I'm getting closer and it is getting easier for the most part.
So, today I'm going to simply be thankful that I have made it another year and hope that I have many years ahead when I can be happy and eventually content once again. I don't know when that will be but I am certainly looking forward to that day with gusto...."happy birthday to me"...