Saturday, February 18, 2012

It's begun

In December I mentioned that there were decisions that I had to make regarding a position out of state...a job.  Well, I did decide to take the job and have moved to another state and am currently living in an 800 SF apartment awaiting the start of the job.  Although I have a bit of apprehension about how this is all going to play out, I feel that this move could turn into something great; time will tell. 

There have also been a few other changes in my life, good and bad, but I guess they were all part of some  master plan; not entirely mine!    This past December 23rd I got engaged to a woman that I have known for about a year and a half.  We haven't set any dates since there will be a lot to do before we can actually get married; she has a child that is on the cusp of fleeing the nest and we feel it better to let that happen first (among other reasons for waiting).  That was the good.  The corresponding bad was the loss of my sister at the end of January.  It was a sudden death that was completely unexpected and still hasn't completely sunken in.  She was a young, beautiful, intelligent woman and her passing was indeed a tragedy.  We had drifted apart over the years and the last time I got to see her was when Mary died; no matter, it still stings.

So, I'm now waiting for test results that will determine if I will work here or not.  Initially, I was told to get here as soon as possible and worry about the testing after I begin working, which is exactly what I did.  So, I did everything I needed to do to move which included binding myself to a lease, a start date was planned and I was advised the day before the move that I had to pass the test before I could begin this job.  I was of course upset because time had passed when I could have been doing things to prepare for the exam but I soon got over those feelings.  What could I do if I wanted the job??  I'm not particularly concerned about whether or not I have passed (I feel I did), I just wish this process would be over with; it feels like it's taking forever.   

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Feels like spring

I guess the road that I began walking in June of 2010 has come to a divide and I will soon be deciding which new path to take.  I had been widowed a little over a year when I decided that I no longer wanted or had to work and made a rather hasty decision to throw in the towel and just quit my job.  There have been some rocky as well as wonderful times since then however I feel a new breeze starting to pick up which I hope will carry me in a different direction; one that I need, one that I like.  Fairly soon I will have to decide whether or not I want to just pack everything up, or not, and move on to a different location and begin a new life of sorts that will hopefully be a good chapter in this book of mine called "life".  I went on what I would call my first serious job interview the other day and I think it went fairly well but I won't know if the position is going to be offered for a few more days.  If it's offered and I accept, it will entail a great many rather quick changes however I think I have to force myself to change whether I get this job or not.  After this interview I realized that I need to be back in the work force...for me...for my family...and for the families that I will help.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

feeeeeeeelings.......nothing more than feelings?

No matter what becomes of this possibility I now have lain at my feet I am sure that a new phase of my life is beginning. I can't necessarily explain exactly why I say this but deep inside of me I have a feeling that just wont quit; it's almost as if an evolution is taking place within me causing me to feel as though things are different, very different. At a simple glance nothing has apparently changed either in my life or in my surroundings yet for some reason I just know that there is a new wind blowing through me and this breeze is both comforting and a cause of excitement.

I have always known or felt that some changes that have occurred in my life have been a result of my own doing whether they were good OR bad but I can't seem to lay claim to this particular feeling at all. Please don't misunderstand me, I don't have to have a responsibility for this feeling nor do I have to know exactly how it came about or why, I'm just grateful that it's here and I'm even more grateful that my mind has allowed me to envision it. I will happily let whatever is down the pike unfold before me and truly look forward to the days ahead with anticipation.

Monday, May 2, 2011

Well, today I received the phone call I've been waiting for. Just a few months ago I had begun being recruited by a firm that appeared to be interested in my employment. As you know, not quite a year ago I had decided to quit working and for my own sanity labeled it as retirement. In effect it was a retirement of sorts since I had no intention of going back into the industry that I have spent a good time of my career pursuing yet things are again changing in my life and I have recently found myself with too much free time on my hands. I can't be absolutely sure that I want to continue in this field but at the moment no better idea has presented itself.

Over the course of the past few weeks I have been in contact with a Funeral Home and tomorrow I go to my second face to face meeting or interview if you will and am seriously considering accepting the position if the offer is right (if there even is an offer). I know I'm more than capable of handling all aspects of the position and feel it will afford me with both something to occupy my time as well as some money and both of these things can always be used. Some of the most fulfilling times of my life involved directing funerals for families that I had met through the arrangement conference and I'm actually looking forward to the possibility of that once again being a part of my life but in all honesty time will tell.

So, for the time being wish me luck and please hope as I do that whatever comes of this, either good or bad appearing, it turns out to be something that truly puts a foot in front of the other for me; this is what I feel I need the most right now - to continue moving - to continue living and being a productive human being. I'll update this as I know more!

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Another Milestone

Yesterday, last night actually, at 8:30 PM marked 2 years since Mary died and quite honestly I was extremely happy to wake up this morning. It's not that I felt any doubt that I would indeed wake up today but it's a good feeling knowing that yesterday is over and I won't have to ever see it again. We've all heard the words when discussing the death of someone that the days before a holiday, holidays themselves or any special day for that matter always seem to be the hardest when trying to cope with a loss; whoever spoke those words for the first time sure knew what they were talking about.

Another group of words that even I myself have spoken have been similar to "time will heal everything" or "it gets easier with time, give it time". I imagine there's some truth to this however for the grieving person hearing this always sounds impossible and now that I've joined the ranks of those people I can understand why. You see, the hole that's been left inside of me after Marys death will never heal; it will never feel as if it never happened nor will there even be an ugly scar covering and closing it. It will remain forever. And speaking literally, the pain of a loss does not feel easier or better over time; it's more like there are longer periods between when we feel these aches and during those breaks if you would, the pain seems to have eased but is always lurking in the shadows waiting to show itself again. For myself, this grief thing has become like a terminal illness that goes into remission now and again and all I can do is hope that the periods of remission get longer with time. I know I'll die with grief in my heart and with a little luck it won't be the grief itself that actually kills me yet I KNOW it will still be there. The good part about grieving and time however is that this particular combination is similar to the person who has a lifelong disease and learns to live with their illness and can sometimes go on to lead a "normal" life; as normal as possible for them.

Each day that passes affords me the time to learn to cope with sorrow, fear, despair and a myriad of other emotions which are all churned to the surface on occasion so in effect as time goes by it definitely becomes more of a friend than an enemy as it once was perceived. I know this to be true for myself but it actually appears to be evident in other people who knew and loved Mary; their love for her was definitely on a different plane than my own yet no less whatsoever and this theory of mine seems to ring true there as well. So...this year was better than last year in regard to our loss, next year hopefully will be better than this year and so on and so on. None of us will ever forget the pain we once felt when Mary had to leave so unexpectedly yet with a little bit of grace from somewhere we will all continue to learn how to cope and eventually when our remissions are far and few between it may actually appear "to ourselves" as if it's easier.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

November - once dreaded but now good

Where did this year fly to? It's already the first week of November and according to signs I see everywhere (both written and natural) Christmas is just around the corner and soon to follow will be NEXT year. I've been having a good time for the past 3 plus months and there are no signs of it stopping which only makes me believe that 2011 is headed towards being a good year; and it's about damned time I had a good year!!!! 2008 sucked, 2009 was worse, 2010 started out shitty but has gradually gotten much better so if everything stays on course (fingers, toes, arms, legs and even my balls are crossed!) 2011 should be better right? Let's hope for my sake it at least remains the same and gets no worse; I'm tired of worse.

I have so many upcoming things scheduled for the next few months that I sometimes wonder "who is this person planning and doing these things?". Last year at this time I was sad, I knew I was going to see family soon but sad that I would be doing it alone. This year I will be visiting my family again however I'm not in the same demeanor as I was then; circumstances that made me feel that way haven't changed for the most part but I have begun to accept that I have a sort of new lease on life and have opted for a long term run. Occasionally I still feel the pangs that tugged on my heart and soul for well over a year but I've found out that no matter how deep the psychological gash in our brain which causes these pains seems, we can surely heal if we allow ourselves; if we want to heal.

When I say a new lease on life I mean that the life I once had and loved has evolved to something different. I will always love and be eternally grateful for the life I had however I intend to take this newest life to a different level with some different people and some different views; not better, not happier, not sadder, nothing more than different. I almost feel as though the part of me that was included in the "we" died along with Mary and I'm just happy that I found the me of today. The people who I feared would scorn my actions seem to be very happy that I have found myself as well and above all, that makes me feel as if I'm on top of the world. The loves of my last life aren't gone, they've merely moved on to a different place yet still hold vast places in my heart, the family of that life will always be a part of this life as well, however I've found someone whom I can call mine, who can talk to me, hold me, kiss me, understand and accept me as I am and love me and I can do the same in return. We're all just humans looking for a way to get by in this life without being miserable and damn it, none of us deserve misery.

Although I often crave to plan a forever I now know better than to think of such a foolish thing. History, my history alone has taught me that there is no such thing as forever but that's not going to stop me from hoping and dreaming. As a matter of fact, some of these same hopes and dreams have already come to being and as long as life "is", I'm going to live it!