Monday, April 20, 2009

Fucking "if"

On March 15th of this year, I had no clue whatsoever that a huge part of me, all of me, was going to be simply stated, stolen. My wife, Mary, whom I had met when I was 16 years old passed away that evening, hopefully painlessly. At 8:47 PM I got off of the couch in the living room and went into our bedroom to remind her that she needed to take her medication. She was not ill, the medication she was taking was for high blood pressure and for high cholesterol (there aren't too many people I know who don't take one or the other or some combination of both). I first called her since she appeared to be sleeping; no response. As I turned and faced her I reached out and placed my hand on her cheek and at that split second knew that she was gone. She wasn't cold but she felt cool to me and was completely unresponsive. I immediately called 911 and begged for help and tried to explain what I was afraid of. With their assistance I attempted to administer CPR and it was at that point that I knew it was useless; not only was she cool but her jaw was already clenched and I knew, I just knew.

I basically sat on the floor where I had laid her and could not stop shaking and crying, rocking her head and rubbing her hand. Minutes later, someone arrived at the door and I let in a man who went to her and attempted to take her vitals. After about five minutes he came to me and told me she was gone. I begged him to do something to get her back but he again told me how sorry he was but " she's gone sir". That was the exact moment when my life began to crumble and I felt completely limp. Later a full ambulance crew arrived and they did what they had to do, they took my Mary away from me, leaving me alone in this world.

The following 2 weeks are a blur, literally. I went through all of the necessary motions to have her prepared for a service here locally and then had her flown to her home where I did everything all over for her family and friends there. Mary was eventually cremated and part of her was placed in a plot with her family, part placed in a plot with my family and the remainder I took home to be with me. I intend to share her with her mother, and two best friends on either end of the coast. This is very hard for me to do but I know that all three of these women need a bit of her to help them through this; I still have plenty for myself for my own reasons.

I'm hoping that this writing will help me to accept what has happened and allow me to continue with my existence. We were all each other had in this world, we were married for 28 years and were never apart for more than a week at the most. There wasn't much that we didn't do as a pair; I miss her terribly but know in my heart that this is irreversible and will have to go on without her if that is my choice. I've had some crazy thoughts, especially in the first week I was home alone but for now they have passed and I hope that I will be alright in time; each day seems to get slightly better until I fall on my face again and every second of it just comes flooding back.

The title of this post is the biggest problem I am having right now; if only I had. If only I hadn't. If only I knew. I truly feel that I may have been able to do something to prevent her death if I had been with her when it first happened and this is what keeps going through my mind. Blaming myself. The Medical Examiner deemed it a heart attack that took her life and now that I look back the signs were there for a while. Why the fuck didn't I see them, acknowledge them and act on them? I love Mary more than anyone or anything in the world and I feel I let her slip away. People say it wasn't my fault, when it's your time to go it's your time and nothing can prevent it; I only wish I had taken the opportunity to try to avert it.

I thought I had learned not to take anything for granted with the death of my mother but it seems I fucked up again and now deserve the misery that I am going through. It should not have been at her expense though, that is what is not fair. We had so many plans for our future, we couldn't wait to quit working and spend every minute together, she worked her whole life. For what? To end it like this? All I can say is that you should never hesitate to do anything that you can do right this minute because it could all be over in the blink of an eye. I was supposed to know this right? Well, I was a fucking fool.

If you are the praying sort, please say a prayer for Mary and if you're not, please remember that I look for her each day and look forward to the time when we can again be together, so hope for that for me.

Friday, April 10, 2009

Mary

My eyes first met hers that New Years Eve
That night when life would never end
There was a spark but too weak to ignite
That night when life would never end

Twenty one months passed before we again met
That night when life would never end
This time the flame had a chance to catch
That night when life would never end

Days, weeks, months turned into years
Loves roots had taken and continued to grow
We knew that we were meant to be one
Loves roots had taken and continued to grow

Our pact was strong til death us do part
Loves roots had taken and continued to grow
Yet parting was never built into the plan
Loves roots had taken and continued to grow

We loved, we fought, we laughed we cried
Ups and downs just made our bond tighter
Together through it all, always side by side
Ups and downs just made our bond tighter

They said that we would never last yet
Ups and downs just made our bond tighter
But we'd show them what love really was
Ups and downs just made our bond tighter

For years we'd planned of the days ahead
forgetting that it could be gone in a flash
So much still undone but with lots of time yet
forgetting that it could be gone in a flash

I knew it was all scheduled just right
forgetting that it could be gone in a flash
Never imagining she'd be stolen from me
forgetting that it could be gone in a flash

If she had a choice I know she'd have stayed
Life was too good, she was not ready
There was so much love left for so many hearts
Life was too good, she was not ready

Weddings and childbirths, times of great joy
Life was too good, she was not ready
A wife, a daughter an aunt and true friend
Life was too good, she was not ready

Days and nights are now empty, simply a torture
Life was too good, I want her back at my side
I still can't believe that I could not wake her
Life was too good, I want her back at my side

I do not feel solace in where she might be
Life was too good, I want her back at my side
I tried to protect her but miserably failed
Life was too good, I want her back at my side

My Mary was my only reason in life
Now ripped from me, only memories remain
I wish I could follow wherever she went
Now ripped from me, only memories remain

I wasn't meant to do this without her
Now ripped from me only memories remain
Thank god for the comfort of others around me
Now ripped from me only memories remain

I know she would not want me to hurt
I love you my dear and need you to be here
Not want me to curl up and die from within
I love you my dear and need you to be here

I can only hope that time will create a scab
I love you my dear and need you to be here
And something prevents me from picking it off
I love you my dear and need you to be here

That night when life would never end
Loves roots had taken and continued to grow
Ups and downs just made our bond tighter
Forgetting that it could be gone in a flash

Life was too good, she was not ready
Life was too good I want her back at my side
Now ripped from me only memories remain
I love you my dear and need you to be here