Saturday, June 6, 2009

I need the OK



It's more than mere clothes. There are books, lighters, unused gifts, birthday, Christmas, valentines day and just because cards in every nook, pay stubs, library cards, books that need returning, books that are hers, change galore, singles, fives, tens, pads bearing her name, earring backs, notes she wrote, wrappers, pens, eyeglass cases, eyeglasses, more notes, disposable razors, creams and lotions, bottles of perfume, trouser socks, things she kept to remember, wallets, purses, cigarettes, ticket stubs, pins, stray earrings, pay stubs and envelopes, directions, phone numbers, disposable cameras; used and new, film canisters, pills, plastic bags full of letters, small radios, many, many pictures...it all seems so overwhelming. Every scrap of paper, every item I put my hands on reminds me of her. The things that I knew she had simply to have are pretty easy to trash but the things that I know meant something to her, were hers, are all still there.

All I did today was clean out 2 drawers, not clothing drawers, drawers that were basically catchalls and I can't believe not only how much they held but what an assortment of things there were inside. I didn't clean out anything really, I just sifted through the contents because it became painfully evident to me that I am not ready to part with her things. Some of it I can use myself but there are certain items that I know I will never be able to use; items that not only can I not use but things that others wouldn't even want yet those are the things that I can't seem to place in the trash. I know I need to put all of this either away or dump it but I don't think the time is right. In other words I need more time to hold onto it.


After this I'm going to continue on with another drawer and see where that takes me. There's no question, I need the room and it would be much easier to have a place for my clothes rather than cram them all into one place out of fear of removing her things. I know she won't be back looking for any of it, whether to wear or use but for some reason I feel like I should leave it all where it is; I guess that's stupid. So, now I'm on to my next adventure, the triple dresser. Let's see how far I can get with clothes.

4 comments:

MedStudentWife said...

I've never had to do this myself,DS, but my thought is one step at a time. When you are ready to move, shift, etc, her belongings, you will.

At least you made the first step - you've cracked opened the drawers and started to look....

My support & hugs

paisley said...

if now is not the time so be it.. no one said now had to be the time.. you will give yourself room to grow if you at least box everything up until it is time.. who knows,, maybe just knowing it is all there should you need it might be enough.....

deathsweep said...

Thank you both, that's a great idea, I'll try that and see...

anaderol1977 said...

I still keep some of my dads things laying around. They have become part of my life, I need that constant reminder of him in my daily life. Since I cannot have him I choose to keep parts of who he once was in my life. It has been 13 years since he passed and I still want his things around. It is OK to keep that drawer.