Thursday, November 4, 2010

November - once dreaded but now good

Where did this year fly to? It's already the first week of November and according to signs I see everywhere (both written and natural) Christmas is just around the corner and soon to follow will be NEXT year. I've been having a good time for the past 3 plus months and there are no signs of it stopping which only makes me believe that 2011 is headed towards being a good year; and it's about damned time I had a good year!!!! 2008 sucked, 2009 was worse, 2010 started out shitty but has gradually gotten much better so if everything stays on course (fingers, toes, arms, legs and even my balls are crossed!) 2011 should be better right? Let's hope for my sake it at least remains the same and gets no worse; I'm tired of worse.

I have so many upcoming things scheduled for the next few months that I sometimes wonder "who is this person planning and doing these things?". Last year at this time I was sad, I knew I was going to see family soon but sad that I would be doing it alone. This year I will be visiting my family again however I'm not in the same demeanor as I was then; circumstances that made me feel that way haven't changed for the most part but I have begun to accept that I have a sort of new lease on life and have opted for a long term run. Occasionally I still feel the pangs that tugged on my heart and soul for well over a year but I've found out that no matter how deep the psychological gash in our brain which causes these pains seems, we can surely heal if we allow ourselves; if we want to heal.

When I say a new lease on life I mean that the life I once had and loved has evolved to something different. I will always love and be eternally grateful for the life I had however I intend to take this newest life to a different level with some different people and some different views; not better, not happier, not sadder, nothing more than different. I almost feel as though the part of me that was included in the "we" died along with Mary and I'm just happy that I found the me of today. The people who I feared would scorn my actions seem to be very happy that I have found myself as well and above all, that makes me feel as if I'm on top of the world. The loves of my last life aren't gone, they've merely moved on to a different place yet still hold vast places in my heart, the family of that life will always be a part of this life as well, however I've found someone whom I can call mine, who can talk to me, hold me, kiss me, understand and accept me as I am and love me and I can do the same in return. We're all just humans looking for a way to get by in this life without being miserable and damn it, none of us deserve misery.

Although I often crave to plan a forever I now know better than to think of such a foolish thing. History, my history alone has taught me that there is no such thing as forever but that's not going to stop me from hoping and dreaming. As a matter of fact, some of these same hopes and dreams have already come to being and as long as life "is", I'm going to live it!

Sunday, August 15, 2010


Can't walk without bumping into something, can't try to stop walking without overstepping my goal, this stupid arm is tingly on and off, my ankles are swollen, and I wont be able to get in touch with my doctor until tomorrow. I stumble around like I'm drunk or something. The arm has been going on for years and it's been mentioned to more than one doctor yet it was either brushed off or refuted; this time it's all going to be addressed and corrected one way or another. My arm is probably a pinched nerve but the dizziness is relatively new; not even 2 weeks but it seems to be getting progressively worse and has become a real concern.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

August Already?

I'm sure you've heard that time goes by quicker the older you get, or at least it appears that way; I have. As a matter of fact I can remember conversations as a kid when I was told by an adult that I shouldn't wish my life away. I guess most kids at some time or another wish they were older for whatever reason in the hopes that their life would be better. I can only vouch for me but when I was young I had no idea how good life was and that aging simply added confusion and responsibility.

The fact that a young persons time seems to be sweeter to an adult and an adult persons time seems more valuable to a young person is typical. It's the "grass seems greener on the other side" syndrome even though we know that's not always the case. Whatever, it feels as if just yesterday was the beginning of this year when actually we have already completed 7 months with only 5 left.

I guess what I'm getting at is that for the past 7 months I've really done nothing to make either my life or the world a better place and yet I still sit back and wonder why I'm in the position I am, why time is aimlessly flying by and what is it's purpose. The answer is pretty simple; I'm sitting exactly where I'm sitting because whether consciously or not, this is what I've chosen to do and the way that I perceive time comes from within...So...If I think the world is flying by and I'm stagnantly sitting here doing nothing about it...guess what's my own doing. And if I want that situation to change...guess what will have to be my own doing.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Retirement aint so hot!

What was it June 9th or 10th of this year that I threw in the towel? It's almost two months since I've "retired" and I still wonder what I did to myself. This was what I chose, this was what I wanted, this is what I thought would make me happier; but as it turns out, the only one of those statements that I can validate as now being the truth is "this is what I chose".

Sure, there were times when I hated where and what I was doing for a living, I hated who I was working for and why I was there, I even detested the fact that I was tied to my job but I hadn't thought this out fully. See, as much as I thought I was prepared for this retirement thing I'm finding out daily that I really wasn't ready to stop working at all. Not only are there certain things that workers earn that I'm no longer entitled to, most of that is not unexpected but my expectations for every day were far too high. I now see that I was imagining that this would bring me back to life when in fact it's doing the opposite. First, I didn't expect that I would ever allow my physical self to go this way, but I have. I envisioned this as a wonderful portion of my life when I would have time to do everything I wanted and knew I would literally love not working. Well, I guess I was two thirds right; I have all the time in the world to do what I want and I really do like not having to go to work BUT I didn't realize that my soul still didn't want to do anything on its own. I never figured grieving into the equation and as it turns out, that little slip up, that little mis step, that little omission has left me where I now stand; barefoot, surrounded by a wide ring of hot coals, and without the intuitiveness to get out of it.

Let me break this down as simply as possible. A week has 168 hours in it of which approximately 56 hours are spent sleeping, about 14 are dedicated to hygiene, maybe 30for cooking and eating, maybe 14 for exercise and entertainment and maybe 10 spent behind the wheel of a vehicle. OK that leaves 44 hours which is ordinarily consumed by a job, a career, a function, a reason. However in "my" retirement the 56bedtime hours remain pretty consistent, same with the 30 for cooking and eating but the remaining 82 hours are up for grabs. In other words, the 44 that I used to work, the 14 for hygiene (which seems to have now become optional), and the 10 behind the wheel have all rolled into exercise and entertainment. Exercise consists of my loading and unloading groceries from the rear of my vehicle maybe once a week and entertainment is either this computer or TV. OK - do you get the picture yet? Isn't pretty is it?

Hopefully, my writing this down and reading it over and over will show me just what position I'm really in and may give me the initiative to change the things that are making my life stagnant. Because I know retirement can be good, I see others do it and they seem quite happy, I'm different but I'm not the drastic opposite of most so I should be able to enjoy it as well. I guess all I need to do is re allot my time to the things that I want once I find what they are! So, so, simple. Right.

Saturday, July 17, 2010

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Need some Help

Good Morning to you today - this morning I awoke with an irresistible urge to get on the road and go somewhere. Today I intend to clean up some things around the house, pay some bills, look into a cell phone and notify the post office that they need to hold my mail for...I guess I'll tell them a month; that can be changed if need be...then I have to decide where it is I want to here's why I'm writing this...if anyone still reads this, perhaps you can give me your idea of the direction in which I should head...if you know me you are aware that I have no boundaries so please be imaginative yet still reasonable!

Friday, June 18, 2010

How to fill a day

How do we fill our days? Up until a short time ago many of my days every week were jam packed with things to do for at least a 14 hour stretch. During that time I would rise at say 5AM, putter around the house until 7, take an hour to get ready for work and then drive 30 miles to my job, excuse me, "my career". Very rarely did I stop once I arrived; not for coffee, not for lunch, not for breaks with the exception of the occasional cigarette. At somewhere after 6 that afternoon I would again get into my vehicle and drive the 30 miles home, sometimes stopping for dinner, gas or maybe something that I was either out of or that was running low at home. By the time I drove into my driveway, went and picked up the mail, did the obligatory waves, pulled into the garage and climbed the few steps into my home, the time was usually around 7PM; often times later.

Every other week for five days straight my career deemed that I was on call from the time I stepped out of work until, well, until 5 full days later. On call in this job meant of course working each full day and then continuing by answering the business telephones when necessary all night. Not a week would go by when I wasn't out of bed, putting on a suit and heading to a family's home or to a hospital to pick up a deceased person; this would sometimes happen several nights in a row, sometimes more than once a night, and very rarely was it ever anytime but between the hours of midnight and 6AM. So during this five day stretch I would get in at 7, quickly eat something, jump on the computer and check my email and maybe if I felt adventurous that night play a game before I hopped into bed and forced myself to sleep in anticipation of having to get up and get out some time during that night.
So were my days full? HELL YES!!!

This stretch of work days and on call nights would leave me physically and mentally exhausted and it would take my body the next several days to get back to being somewhat rested; I was still putting in the 14 hours during the day. Then, thankfully, I would be off for 4 days and during that time I was able to clean my house, wash my clothes, visit the dry cleaners, iron my shirts, shop for my food, pay my bills, and even squeeze in some enjoyment before it started all over again. This was my life. Literally filled to the brim with things to do, but there never seemed to be enough time to do anything but work; was THIS what I wanted? As you know, THAT was not what I wanted.

Today I got up at 5:30, (still haven't broken the habit but I'm working on it!), gave myself some time to actually wake up and spent it out back watching the sun come up with a big glass of milk and of course my cigarettes. I then decided I would write a blog post this morning, hence "How to fill a day". I've gotten to read a few blogs already, some really interesting news articles, and even did a little research on freelance writing. In a way it's difficult to try to replace activity in those hours when I used to work but I'm definitely getting used to it, I love not having to worry about the time; now my only concern is the day/date and that's only because I have some plans and appointments in the near future. Later on I'll jump in the shower and head out the door and see where my feet take me. There are a few things that I feel I "have" to get done but in all reality, right now, nothing "has" to be done and it feels good. How does one fill their day? I guess the optimal way is to be able to reasonably do exactly what you want, when you want to do it!

Thursday, June 17, 2010

One down

The last post I wrote was in February and in it I mentioned that I was feeling better and had some major decisions ahead of me. These decisions I spoke of were not something that I was being forced to decide, they were more like decisions that I knew I needed to make to get on with my life. See...for the past 15 months I have just been doing what I felt was expected of me with little or no regard to what I really wanted from the rest of my life. I'm not saying that anyone told me that I should be doing what I was or wasn't doing, it was more of an expectation that I had placed upon myself. I was living a robotic life which basically was wake up, go to work, come home, eat something, get ready for the next day, go to sleep and start all over again.

I know that I'm not alone in that type of life, that many, many people believe this to be the norm and have done it for many years; but where was it getting me? Closer to death and being miserable while I was doing it? To me, that just didn't seem to be why I am on this earth. Although I know that every minute of any one's life can't be wonderful, there have to be down times when we actually are grunt like, but the longer I continued to follow that pattern, the more it seemed as if it was the right way to go. So I made a break. I couldn't not wash clothes, I couldn't stop eating or cleaning my house, the only part of that cycle that I felt I had a little control over changing was my job and that's where I struck. The majority of you that read this will think I've lost my mind but a week ago Wednesday I simply turned in a resignation effective immediately. In answer to your thoughts, no, I do not have another job lined up, no, I will not be able to collect unemployment and no, so far I don't regret it.

The first few days after I resigned I wondered what I had done to myself and I even thought I might be going nuts. In these times of economic unrest, when many, many, many, people are searching for work and basically eating beans, I threw away a well paying, sort of recession-proof job and opted to be unemployed with really no income. Sounds brilliant doesn't it? Sounds like the actions of a totally sane person right? Well, wrong; it sounds like I've finally flipped my lid, that's what it sounds like.

Right now I'm doing nothing at all, and by the way enjoying it. I do however have lots of time to complete some things I need to get done, I have lots of time to visit some people and places I've wanted to see and go to for some time, I have plenty of time to decide where I want to spend the rest of my life and what I want to do with it when I get there...that's very exciting to me! This may actually force my hand to do what I need to do; again a new life...only jobless...but that's fine. For the time being, that's one thing I don't have to concern myself with, well, not too terribly.

So, one down, a few more to go, and by the time I'm through I'll have hit it out of the park!

Thursday, February 11, 2010

I think it's happening

If you've been around awhile then you've probably read most of my posts and know the position I was placed in early last year. It's so hard to believe that in a few short weeks it will be one full year since we parted; time marches on no matter what is occuring in our lives at the moment and we simply have to stride right beside of it if we want to keep on.

I've had what I would consider some pretty major ups and downs in the past year and would at times find tears streaming down my face for no apparent reason yet inside of me "I" knew where they came from; what was the cause. Of late however, for some reason which I can't really place my finger on, things have gotten much better. I wish I knew why I suddenly don't hurt as much but the main thing is that I don't. Of course I still miss Mary and I know there will always be a place in my heart where she resides yet I no longer feel saddened when I think of her; not at the moment anyway.

Very shortly I think I am going to have to make some large decisions as to what I want to try to do with the rest of my life, then once I determine what it is that I truly want I will have to act on it to get it in the works. People have told me that I need to move out of this house, put all of this behind me, all of the miniscule reminders, and begin something that is entirely my own. I think that's pretty sound advice however if I were going to do something like that I would first have to know where it was that I wanted to go. So selling my house just for the sake of selling it is not the answer just now no matter how much sense it makes.

I have come to the conclusion that not only do I have family that cares about me I also have a few friends who are true friends. Internet pals are great and I love them all but nothing takes the place of a friend in physical form. Because I was so caught up with the "woe is me" attitude, I almost failed to recognize that there were people who cared for me and I'm truly thankful I opened my heart and let them in, grateful that I opened my eyes. Perhaps it's this realization that has made me feel that I feel better, has made me see that I'm not alone in this world; if so I'm thankful for that as well.

So, all in all I think I'm going to live, hell, I know I'm going to live! There's too much left in me to think any other way. Listen...I also want to take this opportunity to thank everyone who has helped me get to this point; I know I didn't do it alone and each of you know exactly who I'm talking about. For the past year I've been moaning about being alone, like I called it earlier, I was stuck on the "woe is me" attitude when in fact there have been people by my side the entire time - I just needed to recognize that they were there. Thanks guys...

Friday, January 15, 2010

10 months today marks a new anniversary. Today is 10 months to the day that Mary died. There's no doubt it's gotten easier to accept with time but I know what I still wish...and also know it's only a dream. I've had some enjoyment over the past months and know I will have more but time is truly the remedy...that has become very evident to me.

I spent the holidays with family and that helped tremendously yet they too are hurting like me. It seems hurting together was better than hurting alone though and I hope to see them more often; hurting or not. Well, it's time to get ready for the doctor.