Thursday, August 16, 2007

When I grow up I want to Die

Funny title huh, well it has nothing to do with my wanting to die, the fact is, that's the furthest thing from my mind, of that I'm sure. When I survey the life that I've led so far I can only wish that I can live out the rest of my days in a similar fashion; but I want to keep growing. It hasn't been all sweet and wonderful, sure there have been roses but often times they've been full of thorns. I've had my share of crap that beat me down at times, sometimes to the point of feeling like I couldn't stop the bleeding but I've also had lots of good, lots of great. But again, I want to keep growing. I don't want to grow up in the respect that I no longer can change, no longer crave knowledge, no longer strive for love and friendship. To me all of these things are personal growth and when I get to the point in my life when I no longer desire these things, well, my life will be done; it's time to move on, die.
It seems to me that the older I get, the more I crave of life. Not necessarily possessions, they're nice of course but I find it's people I want. People who can show me what I can't see on my own, the ones that enlighten and teach me somehow. The older I get the more I want to love. When I was younger making love was more important to me than just loving people. Please don't misunderstand, nothing in this world could ever replace physical love but just loving someone and not expecting a return on your deposit has become more fulfilling to me. Sounds strange when I read this but I mean it because again, I want to keep growing.
Believe it or not seeing death has helped me to grow. Talk about sounding strange. I know that I'm not the only one, nor one of the few who have ever experienced death, I've no patent on the experience or subject. But seeing it day in and day out has made me realize the importance of living life NOW and scooping up as much as I can now and continuing to grow now. So, when I get to the time in my life when my growth spurt has ended, do with me as you will but try to learn something from it. Try to learn never to grow up.


MedStudentWife said...

Im learning as I never grow up, that its ok to stop & be still. Rather than see someone as competition, or wanting to be like them, now, or thinking they know nothing, to stop and be still and reap the knowledge & gifts they can give me.

paisley said...

oh how i envy your fervor for life.. some days i am so over it.. and some days i can live with it.. but rarely if ever do i feel the zest of which you speak... if it can be learned,, i wish you would teach it to me....