Wednesday, August 1, 2007

Pain Incorporated

Every so often I get into one of these moods. It seems lately that they're coming more and more frequently and I'm not sure how much longer I can go on allowing myself to experience what I see and feel daily. Emotional pain seems like the hardest to make disappear. It's not the type of pain that you can just rub some salve on or bandage with the hopes that in the morning it will be gone because even if it is, there will probably be a new one to take it's place. It's like a damned endless cycle that viciously won't stop, won't even give me a break. I'm getting tired of seeing death and pain and destruction of families day after day. The only thing that keeps my sanity is the thought that I have my own family to go home to and the problems in my family right now don't involve death; not at the moment anyway. I try to help people through an extremely difficult time, to say the least, and I know that what I try to do doesn't always work the way I expect it to but I continue to muddle through it. I'm not trying to make anyone believe that I'm this friggin' angel who can take on the problems of the world and make everything better for those involved, because I can't. I'm just trying to help a bit. Believe me, I'm no masochist but I try to feel the pain that my families are experiencing yet only to a point where I can safely step back and not dwell on it. Like I once told AngryBarCode, I'm not here to mourn for you, I'm here to help you through this time but sometimes doing just that is extremely hard. There are certain instances when a bond forms between us and it's extremely difficult to just put it all behind me. Usually with these bonds the feeling of pain goes away pretty quickly but lately I have had special relations with so many families at one time that I think my mind is overloaded. It's not as though I'm walking around in visible pain, it's more like a twitch in your eye that doesn't show from a distance but you can feel it no matter what's going on, it's just there. This isn't the first time I've felt this way and I'm sure it won't be the last but I just find it so difficult to understand why I let myself go through this time after time. It's times like this that I begin to regret what I have chosen to do with my life but history tells me that "this too will pass" as it has before and I am really doing what I was meant to do. Giving just a little help.


paisley said...

i could never do what you do... every death is fascinating and totally engrossing for the family, loved ones, whom ever is left behind... and to act as if it is indeed meaningful to you,, more than that to allow it to be meaningful to you... i couldn't handle it.. no way.. i applaud you

DeathSweep said...

I thank you for the nice reply and the applause but that's not what I look for from the families I serve. If I can somehow take away a little of their stress perhaps their minds will be more free to deal with what's really at hand. Of course I look for their satisfaction, that's the only way I have of guaging whether or not the service I have just performed for them has done any good. I won't say all of the time, but most of the time my families show extreme appreciation.