Thursday, November 4, 2010
November - once dreaded but now good
Where did this year fly to? It's already the first week of November and according to signs I see everywhere (both written and natural) Christmas is just around the corner and soon to follow will be NEXT year. I've been having a good time for the past 3 plus months and there are no signs of it stopping which only makes me believe that 2011 is headed towards being a good year; and it's about damned time I had a good year!!!! 2008 sucked, 2009 was worse, 2010 started out shitty but has gradually gotten much better so if everything stays on course (fingers, toes, arms, legs and even my balls are crossed!) 2011 should be better right? Let's hope for my sake it at least remains the same and gets no worse; I'm tired of worse.
I have so many upcoming things scheduled for the next few months that I sometimes wonder "who is this person planning and doing these things?". Last year at this time I was sad, I knew I was going to see family soon but sad that I would be doing it alone. This year I will be visiting my family again however I'm not in the same demeanor as I was then; circumstances that made me feel that way haven't changed for the most part but I have begun to accept that I have a sort of new lease on life and have opted for a long term run. Occasionally I still feel the pangs that tugged on my heart and soul for well over a year but I've found out that no matter how deep the psychological gash in our brain which causes these pains seems, we can surely heal if we allow ourselves; if we want to heal.
When I say a new lease on life I mean that the life I once had and loved has evolved to something different. I will always love and be eternally grateful for the life I had however I intend to take this newest life to a different level with some different people and some different views; not better, not happier, not sadder, nothing more than different. I almost feel as though the part of me that was included in the "we" died along with Mary and I'm just happy that I found the me of today. The people who I feared would scorn my actions seem to be very happy that I have found myself as well and above all, that makes me feel as if I'm on top of the world. The loves of my last life aren't gone, they've merely moved on to a different place yet still hold vast places in my heart, the family of that life will always be a part of this life as well, however I've found someone whom I can call mine, who can talk to me, hold me, kiss me, understand and accept me as I am and love me and I can do the same in return. We're all just humans looking for a way to get by in this life without being miserable and damn it, none of us deserve misery.
Although I often crave to plan a forever I now know better than to think of such a foolish thing. History, my history alone has taught me that there is no such thing as forever but that's not going to stop me from hoping and dreaming. As a matter of fact, some of these same hopes and dreams have already come to being and as long as life "is", I'm going to live it!