Thursday, July 22, 2010
Retirement aint so hot!
What was it June 9th or 10th of this year that I threw in the towel? It's almost two months since I've "retired" and I still wonder what I did to myself. This was what I chose, this was what I wanted, this is what I thought would make me happier; but as it turns out, the only one of those statements that I can validate as now being the truth is "this is what I chose".
Sure, there were times when I hated where and what I was doing for a living, I hated who I was working for and why I was there, I even detested the fact that I was tied to my job but I hadn't thought this out fully. See, as much as I thought I was prepared for this retirement thing I'm finding out daily that I really wasn't ready to stop working at all. Not only are there certain things that workers earn that I'm no longer entitled to, most of that is not unexpected but my expectations for every day were far too high. I now see that I was imagining that this would bring me back to life when in fact it's doing the opposite. First, I didn't expect that I would ever allow my physical self to go this way, but I have. I envisioned this as a wonderful portion of my life when I would have time to do everything I wanted and knew I would literally love not working. Well, I guess I was two thirds right; I have all the time in the world to do what I want and I really do like not having to go to work BUT I didn't realize that my soul still didn't want to do anything on its own. I never figured grieving into the equation and as it turns out, that little slip up, that little mis step, that little omission has left me where I now stand; barefoot, surrounded by a wide ring of hot coals, and without the intuitiveness to get out of it.
Let me break this down as simply as possible. A week has 168 hours in it of which approximately 56 hours are spent sleeping, about 14 are dedicated to hygiene, maybe 30for cooking and eating, maybe 14 for exercise and entertainment and maybe 10 spent behind the wheel of a vehicle. OK that leaves 44 hours which is ordinarily consumed by a job, a career, a function, a reason. However in "my" retirement the 56bedtime hours remain pretty consistent, same with the 30 for cooking and eating but the remaining 82 hours are up for grabs. In other words, the 44 that I used to work, the 14 for hygiene (which seems to have now become optional), and the 10 behind the wheel have all rolled into exercise and entertainment. Exercise consists of my loading and unloading groceries from the rear of my vehicle maybe once a week and entertainment is either this computer or TV. OK - do you get the picture yet? Isn't pretty is it?
Hopefully, my writing this down and reading it over and over will show me just what position I'm really in and may give me the initiative to change the things that are making my life stagnant. Because I know retirement can be good, I see others do it and they seem quite happy, I'm different but I'm not the drastic opposite of most so I should be able to enjoy it as well. I guess all I need to do is re allot my time to the things that I want once I find what they are! So, so, simple. Right.