Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Yesterday, last night actually, at 8:30 PM marked 2 years since Mary died and quite honestly I was extremely happy to wake up this morning. It's not that I felt any doubt that I would indeed wake up today but it's a good feeling knowing that yesterday is over and I won't have to ever see it again. We've all heard the words when discussing the death of someone that the days before a holiday, holidays themselves or any special day for that matter always seem to be the hardest when trying to cope with a loss; whoever spoke those words for the first time sure knew what they were talking about.
Another group of words that even I myself have spoken have been similar to "time will heal everything" or "it gets easier with time, give it time". I imagine there's some truth to this however for the grieving person hearing this always sounds impossible and now that I've joined the ranks of those people I can understand why. You see, the hole that's been left inside of me after Marys death will never heal; it will never feel as if it never happened nor will there even be an ugly scar covering and closing it. It will remain forever. And speaking literally, the pain of a loss does not feel easier or better over time; it's more like there are longer periods between when we feel these aches and during those breaks if you would, the pain seems to have eased but is always lurking in the shadows waiting to show itself again. For myself, this grief thing has become like a terminal illness that goes into remission now and again and all I can do is hope that the periods of remission get longer with time. I know I'll die with grief in my heart and with a little luck it won't be the grief itself that actually kills me yet I KNOW it will still be there. The good part about grieving and time however is that this particular combination is similar to the person who has a lifelong disease and learns to live with their illness and can sometimes go on to lead a "normal" life; as normal as possible for them.
Each day that passes affords me the time to learn to cope with sorrow, fear, despair and a myriad of other emotions which are all churned to the surface on occasion so in effect as time goes by it definitely becomes more of a friend than an enemy as it once was perceived. I know this to be true for myself but it actually appears to be evident in other people who knew and loved Mary; their love for her was definitely on a different plane than my own yet no less whatsoever and this theory of mine seems to ring true there as well. So...this year was better than last year in regard to our loss, next year hopefully will be better than this year and so on and so on. None of us will ever forget the pain we once felt when Mary had to leave so unexpectedly yet with a little bit of grace from somewhere we will all continue to learn how to cope and eventually when our remissions are far and few between it may actually appear "to ourselves" as if it's easier.