Friday, October 23, 2009
deafening quiet...
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
November, cruel November
Maybe I'm setting myself up for all of this but I can tell that my mood has shifted in a negative way and the thoughts of what I have just mentioned are continually running through my mind. A good friend has told me over and over that I need time for healing and I know that to be true because I'm not in the same pain I was just over seven months ago...but...I need more time, that I also know. So, this next month is going to be hell but I know I need to experience this hell to move forward...just wish me some luck......
Saturday, September 12, 2009
...just another day?
I think that I have already realized that my life will continue to go on but it hasn't made it any easier since that realization. In three days it will be six months that I've been alone, not completely of course, but without a huge part of myself and whoever said that time heals should never have even hinted at a time line. There are times when I feel great and there are times when I feel that Mary has just left. Times when I feel as though I'm now a completely different and new person and times when I wish I had the old me back, along with all that came with it.
But I know wishing for what once was is a waste of time because those days are gone forever and new days have to take their place. Yet I stare at reminders every day and still don't feel the want, although I know there's a need, to put it all away, put it behind me. I feel as if I'm living in a shrine that I've allowed this house to become; nothing out of place, each little bit of Mary exactly where she left it, still consumed with keeping things the way she would have liked. I've attempted to break out, to try to become "me" instead of "we" and I have to admit I'm getting closer and it is getting easier for the most part.
So, today I'm going to simply be thankful that I have made it another year and hope that I have many years ahead when I can be happy and eventually content once again. I don't know when that will be but I am certainly looking forward to that day with gusto...."happy birthday to me"...
Sunday, June 21, 2009
The "F" word
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Clan of the Cave Yuppie
For some reason I was thinking of this today and felt a need to put it in writing; I think it may have been prompted by a friends post. It probably sounds like something none of us would consider doing, including myself but what if, either a man or woman, never used deodorant again, never shaved our faces or for the women, their legs, armpits, waxed their eyebrows, possibly their lips. Daily showers were not an option, on occasion, when the weather permitted, you cleansed your body in a river or a mud hole. Clothing was never washed, just worn until it was shredded and then merely replaced with some facsimile of cloth. We never cut our hair, let alone comb it, style it or dye it; personal hygiene was just an occasional bother when we could no longer stand ourselves. We never cut our finger or our toenails; just depended on daily wear to manage their length, if we even cared. All of this is gross, I know. But think about it, the humans/men/women of thousands of years ago, some longer than that, probably had the exact habits I mentioned above. And why is that? They didn't know any better; simple as that. They hadn't been taught.
Saturday, June 6, 2009
I need the OK
It's more than mere clothes. There are books, lighters, unused gifts, birthday, Christmas, valentines day and just because cards in every nook, pay stubs, library cards, books that need returning, books that are hers, change galore, singles, fives, tens, pads bearing her name, earring backs, notes she wrote, wrappers, pens, eyeglass cases, eyeglasses, more notes, disposable razors, creams and lotions, bottles of perfume, trouser socks, things she kept to remember, wallets, purses, cigarettes, ticket stubs, pins, stray earrings, pay stubs and envelopes, directions, phone numbers, disposable cameras; used and new, film canisters, pills, plastic bags full of letters, small radios, many, many pictures...it all seems so overwhelming. Every scrap of paper, every item I put my hands on reminds me of her. The things that I knew she had simply to have are pretty easy to trash but the things that I know meant something to her, were hers, are all still there.
Friday, June 5, 2009
Jo Dee Messina-You Were Just Here,Heaven Was Needing A Hero
I know this is a tribute to a soldier but I feel it all, she really was my hero - why do I keep doing this to myself?
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
The Dance
Good movie, better song, these are the things out of our control which are often better that way......
Sunday, May 31, 2009
How come?
Monday, May 25, 2009
Up and Down, All Around
Crackled pink granite now bears her name
eternally her remains rest beneath it
In my heart I thought that this would help me
not stoke the flames underneath it
.
as days pass I think that it eases
When least expected some odd thought arises
and my entire body just seizes
.
in life where nothing feels right
I thought I was giving the most that I could
but now I'm left with pure blight
.
of the clock that now ticks so slow
To a time when things were just as they were
when this part of life I did not know
.
and continue and lead a new life
Yet if feels so wrong to change who I am
it was meant that she be my wife
Every part of my soul I want her to have
though I know on earth it's for naught
She can no longer laugh and no longer smile
our love together only a thought
.
and I'll crave to go on just for me
But till that miraculous day should arrive
I want her back in my life, my Mary
Friday, May 22, 2009
Smooth sailing
Tomorrow I will see Marys family for the first time since her funeral and although I am looking forward to the meeting I have mixed feelings which are probably unwarranted; they have been nothing but nice to me and of course I've known them all as long as I know Mary. There is going to be a memorial service tomorrow in which Mary will be honored and that was the other main reason I came this week. All of the other things I did in between were merely distractions to help me get through while I was waiting for both of these things to happen.
There is more family arriving this evening and I really look forward to seeing them. All in all this has been a rather productive and nice week and I'm so glad to have all of these family members to support me. Unfortunately, I am planning to start my return home on Sunday afternoon and I'm not really looking forward to the long drive, nor for what I have in store for me when I get there; nothing. I guess I can start hoping for the next time I return. It's good to feel wanted and loved once again; feelings that I thought were gone for good.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
My kind of menopause
On a lighter note, the main reason I came this particular week was to have Mary's memorial marker completed ( which I will accomplish with the help of my nephew and or brother ) and I found out yesterday that one of the possible glitches was no longer a problem. As what seems to be usual however, one problem is eradicated and another pops up however I think I can skirt the latest. The only thing I now have to be concerned with is the weather since that will play a pivotal role in the completion; I just hope the rain stays away long enough for me to do what I have to.
It was almost eerie yesterday when the room that I was given here at the hotel turned out to be the exact room that we last stayed in together. It probably has something to do with the fact that I smoke ( we smoked ) and in today's society there are designated smoking areas no matter where you go. This happens to be one of this hotel's smoking floors but to get the exact room that we last stayed in seems much more than a coincidence although I know that's what it is. Eerie at first but very difficult as the time progressed. I'm sure that being in this room has brought on the current emotional state I'm in.
I know I could have moved rooms, I know it, but although it made me feel some pain I wanted to stay here once I was inside. It almost made me feel as if Mary were physically here with me. We liked their decor, we had even discussed emulating some aspects of it into our home but we never did and I know I surely won't now; this is just one of the many places that I can call ours and return to if need be.
So, in closing, I've learned another valuable lesson this week. It doesn't matter where I go, who I'm with or why I'm there, as long as I have the memories that I already possess, Mary and I will be together forever. Sure, I've heard almost the exact phrase hundreds of times before but until my own, this mornings, revelation of this I didn't think it was possible; I now know it is. Thank You Caesar's.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
trip within a trip
Monday, May 18, 2009
scared for nothing
Since that time I have been fortunate enough to have a small cluster of family members at my side. I have eaten as well as done all kinds of things in these short few days; things that I would have never done alone. So far, this is definitely what I am lacking and needing; true companionship, love.
I can't believe that this is almost half over and in the same amount of short days I will be back at home alone again. But these days have been a start for me. Actually making good memories that I can classify as my own; something to look back on and know that these are my memories and will never be lost to me.
One of the major reasons for my coming this week has yet to come to fruition but I am still confident that before I begin my journey home it will be completed; at least that is my greatest hope right now. Well, I just wanted to update this, sort of like a memoir of this week, something to look back on and read when the clouds are in my head and the gloom reappears since I feel that is an inevitability.
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
...a little SCARED
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Weekly Upheaval
and I am
Not a day goes by when I don't have her on my mind constantly
sometimes I smile
But as every weekend approaches I feel a growing dread inside of me
that I cannot quell
It begins each Friday afternoon as I stupidly rush home from work
to be with her
Then in an instant I realize that it's useless, there is no longer anyone left
to share my love
Saturday slowly passes by as I try to busy myself but she's not there
depression continues
I sit, I cry, I eat, I cry, I think, I smoke, I cry and cry some more
draining my emotions
When Sunday falls, her last day here, I no longer feel I can make do
without her
Dwelling does no good, it only results in pity and pain for me yet
I can't stop
I count the days, every day, but weekends mark a torturous time
I have to stop
All of her things remain just as she left them as if in preparation
for her return
I look forward to once again falling asleep knowing that when I awaken
it may be Monday, my new time of rest
Friday, May 8, 2009
Over the rainbow
Well, the verdict is in...my verdict at least. At the moment, there is no doubt in my simple mind that there is in fact something beyond what we all know as life here on earth.
Wednesday evening I was fortunate enough to actually get a reading from a psychic who does a monthly web cast. It's basically a conference call in which people can call in to a conference and be put in line for a reading if that is what they wish; It turned out that I was number three and did in fact request the reading.
What ensued was at the very least amazing. I gave the psychic very vague and boring information at her request and she began to talk to me based on our mundane conversation which in no way could have given her the information that she passed on to me, which by the way I could mostly validate. There were of course some aspects of the reading that were confusing however the great majority of it felt right on.
I've stated before that I was once a skeptic and may have even gone into the reading a little unsure of what to expect. Although in reality, I should have been unsure of what to expect since it wasn't me doing the direct communicating, I believe I was a bit unsure of whether or not this could actually be true. At the end of our almost 45 minute conversation I was completely convinced that what I had just experienced was not only real but was in fact what I had been searching for almost my entire life.
I was born into and raised by a christian family and always tried my hardest to lead a christian life however like many people always craved some sort of proof. That is what I had always been craving; something beyond blind faith when it came to leaving this world. I already knew how to lead my life here on earth; how to be a good person and for the most part felt that was enough yet always wondered what if anything followed our death. That was what I was searching for. Bottom line is, yes I've been taught of heaven and hell and yes I've been taught about god and the devil and all that goes in between all of this but my faith in these respects was lacking.
I'm still a little unclear about what heaven and hell actually are, other than the actual definitions, but as I said earlier, I now truly believe that when our eyes close for the last time here on earth it is in fact an ending of sorts here BUT it is also the start of a new beginning. Exactly where or how this happens I probably will never find out until it's my time to make the trip (and I'm okay with that) but I feel as though I have been stirred. Stirred to the point where I feel I now can begin to formulate expanded beliefs; stirred to excitement at what I feel I have learned.
Yes, I know I will continue to grieve, and yes I know I will probably have moments of doubt in the future but this knowledge I feel I have garnered has actually given me a new found sense of peace, as if my eyes have been suddenly opened to something I had always hoped for. I also know that this is not necessarily proof, but right now this is the proof I need and want and the proof that will get me through each day a lot easier. I advise anyone that is slightly curious or is in need of some relief for whatever reason to pursue this route and see if there may be some assistance out there just waiting to be tapped because let's be completely honest, life is about feeling good, misery shouldn't have a place in our lives at all. If something as simple as this can possibly make us stop and rethink a position we have thereby possibly making us feel better about something, don't we at least owe it to ourselves to give it a try??? I know I did and I do!
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
3, 2, 1 - CONTACT!
As you know, on May 15th of this year, I experienced a loss unlike any other that I had ever encountered; I lost my wife, my only love to death in an instant. It has been a very hard struggle without her physical being by my side and for about 3 weeks afterwards I continued hoping she would return; in fact deep down I still crave that same thing although I also know deep down that she will never be back here on earth as she was. She was loved by many people and her loss was just as much a painful shock to them as it was to me; that too I now realize but that is not where this post is headed.
When she first passed, I thought my life was over, I actually had nothing to live for any longer and felt that there was no reason for me to stay on this earth either; I wanted to follow her and still do but not at my own doing. It's amazing how ones thoughts so very quickly change when we are desperate for something. My desperation is to contact her if at all possible therefore the thoughts I once had about the dead just sort of disappearing have somewhat changed. Maybe it's because I now hope beyond belief that what I had originally believed was not the truth, maybe it's because I don't know any other way to handle this situation but what I do know is that I want to believe that she is still around somehow.
It's not even two months since shes been gone but I know that I will be alright. My life of course will never be the same as it once was nor will I ever forget her or allow her to vanish from my heart or memory but still in all I will be alright, I can survive. There are days that are much worse than others but I have found that I alone put myself in those dark moods and am learning how to keep away from them. This may sound harsh but prior to March 15th I always felt that Psychics were a sham, of course some of them actually believed that they were seeing or hearing the past or connecting with the dead but I didn't put much personal credence in them even though they could be fascinating. Since that date however, I have been in contact with two different persons who have Psychic abilities and both have given me feedback that not only made me feel better but have actually made me believe that it is in fact possible to make some sort of contact with the dead; how it's possible I still cannot understand. Perhaps these meetings have shaken my beliefs simply because I am vulnerable and now truly want to believe as opposed to the past; don't know, but if nothing else thay have made me feel better.
Tonight I am going to try to again make a connection through a third Psychic and I am really looking forward to the possibility of something happening. None of this has cost me a red cent; these are people who are truly giving of their talents and should be highly commended and thanked. Call me crazy, or call me a lunatic but I had no idea that I would ever be following this path either. Well, all I can say is wish me luck this evening and I will write about what happened after I've had a chance to digest more of this. I know that Mary believed in this and if anyone can contact me I think it would be her.
Monday, April 20, 2009
Fucking "if"
I basically sat on the floor where I had laid her and could not stop shaking and crying, rocking her head and rubbing her hand. Minutes later, someone arrived at the door and I let in a man who went to her and attempted to take her vitals. After about five minutes he came to me and told me she was gone. I begged him to do something to get her back but he again told me how sorry he was but " she's gone sir". That was the exact moment when my life began to crumble and I felt completely limp. Later a full ambulance crew arrived and they did what they had to do, they took my Mary away from me, leaving me alone in this world.
The following 2 weeks are a blur, literally. I went through all of the necessary motions to have her prepared for a service here locally and then had her flown to her home where I did everything all over for her family and friends there. Mary was eventually cremated and part of her was placed in a plot with her family, part placed in a plot with my family and the remainder I took home to be with me. I intend to share her with her mother, and two best friends on either end of the coast. This is very hard for me to do but I know that all three of these women need a bit of her to help them through this; I still have plenty for myself for my own reasons.
I'm hoping that this writing will help me to accept what has happened and allow me to continue with my existence. We were all each other had in this world, we were married for 28 years and were never apart for more than a week at the most. There wasn't much that we didn't do as a pair; I miss her terribly but know in my heart that this is irreversible and will have to go on without her if that is my choice. I've had some crazy thoughts, especially in the first week I was home alone but for now they have passed and I hope that I will be alright in time; each day seems to get slightly better until I fall on my face again and every second of it just comes flooding back.
The title of this post is the biggest problem I am having right now; if only I had. If only I hadn't. If only I knew. I truly feel that I may have been able to do something to prevent her death if I had been with her when it first happened and this is what keeps going through my mind. Blaming myself. The Medical Examiner deemed it a heart attack that took her life and now that I look back the signs were there for a while. Why the fuck didn't I see them, acknowledge them and act on them? I love Mary more than anyone or anything in the world and I feel I let her slip away. People say it wasn't my fault, when it's your time to go it's your time and nothing can prevent it; I only wish I had taken the opportunity to try to avert it.
I thought I had learned not to take anything for granted with the death of my mother but it seems I fucked up again and now deserve the misery that I am going through. It should not have been at her expense though, that is what is not fair. We had so many plans for our future, we couldn't wait to quit working and spend every minute together, she worked her whole life. For what? To end it like this? All I can say is that you should never hesitate to do anything that you can do right this minute because it could all be over in the blink of an eye. I was supposed to know this right? Well, I was a fucking fool.
If you are the praying sort, please say a prayer for Mary and if you're not, please remember that I look for her each day and look forward to the time when we can again be together, so hope for that for me.
Friday, April 10, 2009
Mary
That night when life would never end
There was a spark but too weak to ignite
That night when life would never end
Twenty one months passed before we again met
That night when life would never end
This time the flame had a chance to catch
That night when life would never end
Days, weeks, months turned into years
Loves roots had taken and continued to grow
We knew that we were meant to be one
Loves roots had taken and continued to grow
Our pact was strong til death us do part
Loves roots had taken and continued to grow
Yet parting was never built into the plan
Loves roots had taken and continued to grow
We loved, we fought, we laughed we cried
Ups and downs just made our bond tighter
Together through it all, always side by side
Ups and downs just made our bond tighter
They said that we would never last yet
Ups and downs just made our bond tighter
But we'd show them what love really was
Ups and downs just made our bond tighter
For years we'd planned of the days ahead
forgetting that it could be gone in a flash
So much still undone but with lots of time yet
forgetting that it could be gone in a flash
I knew it was all scheduled just right
forgetting that it could be gone in a flash
Never imagining she'd be stolen from me
forgetting that it could be gone in a flash
If she had a choice I know she'd have stayed
Life was too good, she was not ready
There was so much love left for so many hearts
Life was too good, she was not ready
Weddings and childbirths, times of great joy
Life was too good, she was not ready
A wife, a daughter an aunt and true friend
Life was too good, she was not ready
Days and nights are now empty, simply a torture
Life was too good, I want her back at my side
I still can't believe that I could not wake her
Life was too good, I want her back at my side
I do not feel solace in where she might be
Life was too good, I want her back at my side
I tried to protect her but miserably failed
Life was too good, I want her back at my side
My Mary was my only reason in life
Now ripped from me, only memories remain
I wish I could follow wherever she went
Now ripped from me, only memories remain
I wasn't meant to do this without her
Now ripped from me only memories remain
Thank god for the comfort of others around me
Now ripped from me only memories remain
I know she would not want me to hurt
I love you my dear and need you to be here
Not want me to curl up and die from within
I love you my dear and need you to be here
I can only hope that time will create a scab
I love you my dear and need you to be here
And something prevents me from picking it off
I love you my dear and need you to be here
That night when life would never end
Loves roots had taken and continued to grow
Ups and downs just made our bond tighter
Forgetting that it could be gone in a flash
Life was too good, she was not ready
Life was too good I want her back at my side
Now ripped from me only memories remain
I love you my dear and need you to be here