It's been ten days since my last post and it's not that I've forgotten. I've been sick, some sort of cold/flu that has taken a lot out of me and it's been pretty busy at work as well. I haven't been sick enough to keep me home from work except for one day but I felt like crap. I've finally started feeling good enough to care about wanting to write something but all I have to write about makes me again feel shitty.
I choose to be who I am but this time of year is not too festive for me. Let me re-phrase that, this time of year, every year, invariably brings sadness into my life. While the rest of the world is running around preparing for the holiday, going to parties, wishing all that they meet a happy holiday, a merry Christmas, I'm still confronted with death everywhere I turn; there's never any escaping it. Who can I wish a happy holiday to when I know that their days are filled with sorrow and are the furthest from happy? Why would I want to remind them that the holidays are going to be void of that special person in their lives?
Death is death no matter when it happens but this time of year always seems to bring more sadness to the scene no matter who it is that has died. I'm not sure if it's a selfishness that causes this extra sadness or if there is some legitimacy to it. I realize that a death that's associated with any landmark date is always a bit harder because you can't ever forget no matter how hard the brain tries to let you.
I was at a memorial service the other day (whats new) and a mother of a 28 year old man was telling me what she had heard that morning. To preface this let me first explain that he had been killed in an automobile accident and for the first time since I had met her, four days prior, she wasn't grimacing in pain, no tears; she was absolutely radiant. There were many others who obviously didn't share in her feelings including his wife, four children between the ages of 4 and 9, grandparents and more but what she had heard somehow helped her.
Apparently she had been watching TV that morning and had tuned into a televangelist who was talking about the loss of a loved one at this time of year and how terrible it made one feel. She told me that he, the televangelist, made the point that we should not be thinking that this is our first Christmas without our loved one. Instead, we should be thinking that this is our loved ones first Christmas in heaven. She went on with a grin from ear to ear to tell me that she hadn't looked at it that way before then and when she finally did, she was able to be at peace. Everyone has a different view of what heaven means to them and if she hadn't heard it from a televangelist I would have wondered what her take was; but I know so there was no need to wonder.
I know there are many people who don't believe what she does, and rightfully so; it's their choice. However, I couldn't help but think at that very moment how wonderful it must be to have a faith so true. When we lose someone to death we all suffer separation anxiety, sometimes guilt, fear, despair. I have to admit that I don't have the kind of blind faith that this woman has and don't think that just a single sentence could change the way I would feel if I were to lose someone as she did. But, I envy her. I wish I did.